There’s no crying…in Zumba

Well I’m back in the gym…I have a anemic weight loss blog…over there ————>

I’ve been going to Zumba with baby girl trying to just get into the groove of things.  The class went well sweaty tired and such.  The instructor decided to cool down to this song.

So as I’m sweating and stretching I start to cry.  I felt it coming and I couldn’t stop it.  I just let them fall.  

I know where it came from and I knew it would do no good to hold it in.

Guess my body isn’t the only thing I’m working out at the gym.

Baby steps.

Doing that thing…

I’m trying to find my way back to The Mister, and find my way back to me.  

I find there have been times in the past that I’ve wanted to be close to him, to reach out to him, to be close to him.  When those feeling hit me, I would suppress them.  I have had a “thing” all of my life of being in fear of wanting someone who did not want me.  I know I have issues and I continue to work on them and work through them.

I have put up a good front for many years, the strong me.  The fearless me.  When the reality is I was quite the opposite in so many situations.  I didn’t want to smother him with my neediness.  I didn’t want to cling.  Avoiding those moments left me feeling a bit out of sorts and a LOT of lonely.

So in 2013 the year of ME, I’m trying to do the things that make me feel good.  I touch him, reach for his hand, sit next to him and try to love on him whenever the feeling hits me.

I’m simply trying to do that thing that makes me feel good.

Asking a loaded question

When you ask a question you want to receive a honest answer. I believe The Mister asks questions and expects them to be answered in the way he would at any given moment.

When he asked me if I was happy I answered honestly. I’m not and I still struggle even a year later. He feels secure in this space, so he assumed erroneously, I do too.

There are times I am raging on the inside and I try to shelter his feelings. Then I’m even angrier because when he started flirting with his COWORKER neither one of those motherfuckers were concerned about me.

I told him today I don’t feel safe and I’m still not able to trust fully. I really thought I would be further along in my healing by now. Sadly this is not the case. I’m trying to figure out what I get out of staying angry. The way I see it, anger is my heart and souls way if TRYING to feel safe. It does not work but that’s all I got right now.

He looked defeated and sad after I told him my truth. I don’t want him to feel this way. Hey welcome to MY reality. You drove us here. I’m trying to help us get back on the road to healing

This shit hurts like stepping on Legos.

New way to do this

I’m going to start posting from phone. I’m doing it right now. I find myself wanting to write but when I get my laptop I’ve usually lost my thoughts. So there will probably be a learning curve with this app. Post will probably be more raw just cause I’m blogging on the spot.

It’s all love

I’ve drank too much tonight.  Road trip tomorrow I have to stay sober this weekend.  It’s a birthday I can’t fuck up.  

I keep reading your writings and I want to reach out for my own selfish reasons, but I know you well enough to know you are trying so very hard to be a better you.  I have love for you so I stay in my lane.  Oh God I miss you so much.  I want to call or text.  Connect.  I want to laugh over the things that don’t matter all the while not talking about he things that do.  I miss you BL.  

I miss the way you put me in my place, the way you love me the only way you know how.  Free and unedited.  I feel stupid because I know I want to disrupt what could be real happiness for you, when I claim all I want is your happiness, but do I really?

ion know BL I just don’t know.  I keep my peace because to do anything else would be selfish and hurtful and ion want to be THAT chick.

It’s all love. Love

Here’s to you

Dearest BL,

My bestest friend of heart.  I miss you.  I think over the years that have passsed the ebb and flow of friendship has followed real life.  It ebbs it flows.  

From the first moment I heard you speak, all hands waving and smiles my heart spoke.  Then you smiled and laughed all cheeks and light.

Even though at that time I loved The Mister in way that was imprinted on my DNA, I knew I would love you for the rest of my time here and beyond.

As friendship and heart to heart love grew I saw things in you that scared me, my own reflection.  The writing of your words, the truth of your heart.  The marrow of your bone. 

Truth you spoke to me, tears and blood for me.  

Truth built on a lie, the lie of what could be.  The lie of no one gets hurt.  The lies you felt you needed to whisper to protect me.

Not believing MY truth that no matter what I am safe in the love I know you will always feel for me.  You are the first person in my life I EVER felt that way about.  Safe.

After the time that has passed I am never really sure why you couldn’t trust me with the truth.  

I know you are gone from my life and with your love in my heart I am free to let you go.  Though you will never read this here’s to you…

For every drop of ink you have dedicated to me, pen to paper ink to skin, I will love you.  Each drop represents a lifetime I will love you and hope for your happiness.  No matter where or with whom you choose.

With all my love, 

Poetry

I’m a fool…

I have declared 2013 The Year of Me.  I’m working on self mentally (not yet physically) and I’m getting rid of what doesn’t work for me.

I like sameness, I not a big proponent of change although I can roll with it when change comes about.  I’m so late on this song, though I’ve heard it several times I never gave it a good listen.  When I did I grabbed onto the sameness I had known for a YEARS.

I felt myself yearning, thirsting for sameness, not the change I wanted/want to see in this year of my new decade of life.

I played with the idea of running backward, but the thing with running backward is everyone else has moved forward so NOTHING is the sameness it was.

My heart ached I mean take a breath and let the tears flow ached.  I didn’t try to stop them I may even have gone into the ugly cry♥ but I DID NOT run backward and fuck things up like I would have 12 short months ago.  I’m still aching, but *I* am not the sameness anymore.

Father can you hear me?

I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me.  I do trust my dreams.  There have been times when my dreams have predicted very interesting things in my life.

Last night I had a dream about a baby girl, her name is Al’leaya.  In my dream The Mister and I became her parents.  She was the sweetest lil chocolate baby.

I’m not sure what God is trying tell me or how this lil girl will come to be, but Father if you can hear me…I’m a bit scared.

I struggle as a mother and wife.  I don’t feel a need for a “do over” when it comes to parenting.

The love I felt for this baby was so strong in my dream I can’t seem to shake the idea that God has a plan for us.

Father can you hear me?  I’m.not.ready.

iThought

I have always tried to be honest with you, when you asked the questions, I answered them…honestly even when that honesty hurt you.  You were MY truth…one of the few people I thought would never lie to me.  You lied to her…why wouldn’t you lie to me?  I’m so late.  MY truth. My alter ego.  BL we been through what felt like hell and back.  The beginning spiral of my PTSD, The Other turning on you and upending your career.  We been through love and heartache.  Calling it real when it was deep and painful.  You and I.  Poetic ghetto superheroes.  Writing and loving through the pain, with OUR version of the truth.

I feel like I have loved you in some form all of my life. Before I even knew you even.  Yeah it’s corny, it’s MY truth.  I am permanently a part of you and you to me.

The lie stung me to my core.  I understand it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  MY truth.

I miss you, but I feel like if I keep my distance you will find what I am unable to provide.  There are days I want to write you a poem…Rose are red…violets are blue…you are MY truth…no more rhymes or reasons.

I pray for your healing.  I pray for your comfort and contentment.  I pray that you never leave me.  MY truth.

Whatever you are working on and working through it is your’s to have and to hold.  I am now a visitor in your world and I will eventually settle that in my spirit.

I wish you all that you want and need for your heart to be full.  Whatever that may be.

With all my flaws and shortcomings iThought truth and love were enough to forever bind us.

If you need to go I will make peace with that…because today I feel… iThought wrong.

 

More…less

I need to write today.  My thoughts are scattered and my mind is occupied with things I don’t want to talk about.

We just returned from vacation.  It was a good time with the kids and the inlaws.  I’m left with glimpses of The Mister’s family I don’t want to think about.  As much as I love all that my MIL has done for us, this trip showed a side of her that was just grating.  Through all of our problems I know his family is on his side I would expect nothing else.  She just seems to on edge and hateful.  Perhaps she has always been that way and I didn’t see it, but the way she treated her husband was disturbing…really disturbing in the fact I felt maybe she was holding up a mirror.  I don’t want to mistreat The Mister even though I am often angry at him.  I find my self absorbed by all that has happened and I’m just pissed.  When I think I have moved into a place of forgiveness I find I’m not there.

I don’t want to play the victim, the pain the disappointment the anger is there.  The reminders of all this shit is always there.  Will be there for years to come.  HOW…HOW…how do I move to a place of peace?  It’s easy to say let it go move on do it for you.  Why am I not there yet?  Why am I so worried about hurting his feelings if I tell the truth, if I allow my rage to surface.

We are still in counseling I know what I need to do, I’m just scared and not there.  I want to protect myself.  I want to be normal.

I’m stuck in so may areas of my life.  I.am.stuck.  The one place I am able to let go is a place I didn’t want to be to begin with. I wish it were all that easy.

I know fear.  I have fear.  I have been robbed by fear.

Nothing more nothing less.

…and there you have it!

I felt like writing today…welp that’s a change.  I even felt like writing a book working on an idea but have to flesh it out.

I’ve been sick, so sick I went to my own ER and got seen.  I have to say as much as I love *some* of the docs I work with it would seem some just don’t know shit.  LOL.  I can laugh about it now but at the time it was frustrating and painful.  THEN had to rush El Syd to the ER the next morning in the early AM because she couldn’t breathe.  Now that’s an EMERGENCY but I will say my ER did the damn thing they were great.

I have had constipation that is driving me insane.  I’m sitting on the commode trying to make magic happen as I type this (how’s that for TMI!)  Drank some coffee this morning hoping to jump start a few things.

I haven’t been working out like I should.  No excuse just lazy.

I have been working on my federal resume little by very little.  I think fear of being trapped in my current job is holding me back.  My Plan A consists of getting hired in a federal position and leaving the ER behind.  If that doesn’t pan out I fear I will be stuck, even though logically I know God works it out in his own time.  I just really hate my job, but it’s mine and I feel okay for the most part even though I hate it…did I mention I hate it?  Yep I do.

So what else can I talk about?  Let’s see…The Teenager is 21 now…geez that’s old.  We are planning a family gathering in July which makes me so very anxious.  LOL.

and there you have it, there’s so much more but I think I’m off to drink more coffee and pray for poop!

Get…

I’m where I need to be.  I have to say I’m sad that you are not being a person of your word.  It is what it is.

I am no longer someone you can come to for unconditional acceptance.  I laid bare my conditions again it is what it is.

It’s disconcerting that someone who has so much knowledge of the world can not see passed the nose on their face to see you can NOT go back to what is not there…this right here…only forward motion sweetie.

Don’t like my condition, don’t like  what this has become, don’t like what you hath made…get.the.fuck.on.

I told you this is not a game.  It’s game over.

New Year

Happy New Year!

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in over a month. *sigh* I haven’t wanted to write. Things are moving along and I’m afraid if I don’t blog now it will be July before I blog again.

We are in the new house and tension ensues. It’s always about the money and how we spend it and where it goes. He feels entitled to spend money on his wants and I feel the HOUSE needs should come first. I’m not even speaking on extravagant things, something as simple as WINDOW shades. Yes most of the 30+ windows are not covered. He hates hanging curtains, I simply CAN’T do it. AND NONE of the downstairs windows have proper coverings, no shades, no blinds NADA. So I’m thinking there will be a blow up in the coming days. My stance…NO FUCKING TRAINS UNTIL ALL THE WINDOWS ARE COVERED! It seems so simple to me.

He wants to spend money on shit for himself, total disregard for our new home. I always feel like I HAVE to be the adult, the “no” person. BUT this is the same man that wants to spend money but hasn’t opened a book for promotion in WEEKS. This promotion would be quite a nice raise. I truly believe he’s not even trying because HIS promotion would mean *I* get to stop driving HIS hand me down 2005 SUV and get my true car love. I know when this “discussion” starts he’s going to tell me to work some overtime. *sigh*

So my blessings abound, but this man I’m married to is an idiot. Thank God (really probably ain’t got shit to do with God) for small things I hold onto in my life.

Open and closed

As I laid awake this morning thinking about my marriage, I came to a sad realization.  I won’t ever trust my husband.  There will always be something within ME that won’t allow me to completely let go.  It’s not healthy.  I’m tired, really tired of the ebb and flow of this pain.  Looking at him and wondering what the hell he is up to.  Talking with my support system to get reassurance that he’s not going to do some dumb shit.

No one can truly say what is going to happen, and I know for a fact that love doesn’t stop someone from hurting you.  I’m tired  of getting myself spun up over what I see and then having to talk myself back down. s.l.o.w.l.y.  I’m tired of not talking to him about it because it hurts HIM and I still feel shitty.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m stopping him from being friends with those he chooses.  When does it stop?  It easy to say to not get spun up, to take him at face value, but I haven’t been able to and I feel like I won’t ever be able.

My mood is funky today.  Is okay for a married man to have female friends?  Is okay for them to text?  Is okay for those text to disappear from him phone like they never existed, but I have the phone bill so I know they did?  Is it okay for him to text her on his ride into work?  Is okay for them to text throughout the day, but not everyday?  *sigh*  Spinning again.

I feel like we both made this bed of hurt and betrayal but I’m the only one who has to lay in it…wide fucking awake at 2 am.

 

Seriously what’s love got to do with any of this?

‘Cause she is all that…why be anything less?

El Syd had spirit week at school.  Each day represented a different type of team.  On the day for the favorite college team she wore her UNC cheerleading outfit.  She was representing the Tarheels and making her daddy proud.

When she got home she let me know her outfit was a hit BUT an older neighbor girl told her “she was trying to be all that“.  El Syd knew that wasn’t a compliment.  I was pissed but I didn’t saying anything negative against her dingy ass “friend”.  

I told El Syd she should ALWAYS strive to be all that.  To be her best, to shine.  I told her there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with being all that because she is in fact just that.  ALL.THAT.  I told her being all that was being smart.  Being all that was being kind to others.  I told her even though that heffa didn’t mean it as a compliment there was indeed a compliment inside that girl’s envy.  

I told her folks who try to bring you down a peg or two by pointing out PERCEIVED flaws of some kind  are actually telling you loud and clear they see you as ALL THAT.

I told El Syd to never settle for anything less then her best no matter how others view her from the outside.  I told her to never dim her light, to ignore her gifts because someone else was afraid she was all.that.  I asked her why she would WANT to be anything less?  I saw the light come on, she knows who she is.  

She is Ms.All.That.

36(mths) and counting

I started this blog 3yrs ago this month.  When I started this blog I was going through some SERIOUS heartache.  

I think of it now and I’m blown away at what one does for the love of another.  I was so bruised and shattered.  My soul felt so alone and I just wanted what I wanted.  It was a winding road of laughs and tears.  More tears then laughs…actually A LOT of tears.  I’m amazed at how hard I’m able to love.  It makes me sad to think it wasn’t deserved, but at this time I don’t regret not one day of it.  NOT ONE.  

I know in my heart, I loved beyond boundaries.  I.loved.  Heartache be damned.

I’m happy to be in this space, 3yrs and counting.

Da Hell?

I really want some romance *sigh*  I want to slow dance and a nice dinner (kinda hard being broke)  I want a long weekend fully planned.  My love language is ALL over the place.  I’m feeling some kind of way right now and I don’t like it.  My sex drive is GONE, only comes in spurts…then it’s gone with the wind I suppose.  I hate this.  Isn’t this suppose to be my sexual PRIME…da hell?

It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows

On our mini vacay The Mister decided he wanted to see his Aunt (his mom’s sister)  This is the side of the family that disowned him because he fell in love and married a black woman (hey that’s me!)  We were stationed in The Carolinas when we first married and it was hard having his family so close but cut off from him.  His mother has always supported us even if she didn’t agree with what we had chosen for ourselves.  She loves her baby boy and is always in his corner.  Her mother, father, and 3 sisters were not so loving.  Actually they were exactly opposite of loving.  It tore The Mister apart, but he has learned to put on a brave face and move past his hurt and heartache.

One of his Aunt has recently (in the past 2yrs or so)  made contact with him.  She blamed her ex-husband for her betrayal <insert eye roll here>

He’s been talking and facebooking her and I didn’t say a word.  I know he’s trying to make peace and I get that.

Well while we were in The Carolinas he wanted to stop by and see her before we headed back home.  He asked me if I wanted to see her and I simply said “no” he inquired why and I told him “I just don’t want to” he let me know he wanted to see her I told him to go right ahead but I had no interest in meeting her.  I didn’t and I don’t.

Once The Mister gets something in his mind, well we know how that goes.  

This is the same Aunt that would not allow me in her home, 15yrs ago when The Mister needed to stop by her house I had to sit in the car while he took care of business inside.  I.SAT.IN.THE.CAR.  because some how in this person’s mind I was not worthy to enter her home.  I was a nigger, a coon, a jigaboo, a porch monkey, I was unworthy because I was black.  At that time she had never met me, didn’t know me.  Didn’t know my dreams and my desires for our future.  All she knew was I was black and that was enough for her to eventually turn her back on her own blood.  The whole family did, she is not alone everyone in my MIL’s family had/has turned on The Mister.

As we pulled into her driveway (deja vu) The Mister asked me if I was staying in the truck.  I told him I would be right there when he came out.  I told him to take the kids and take his time. I.SAT.IN.THE.TRUCK.

These people have rejected me, my husband, my CHILDREN!  They have treated my MIL in a ways that I find so reprehensible and hurtful(not acknowledging her grandchildren or her first born…excluding her from her parents 50th wedding anniversary, AND then making her feel some how all of this was HER fault!), I find THEM unworthy, but The Mister is still working on all of this.  

He didn’t stay long, but as he made his way to the driveway, TWO of his aunts trailed behind him.  I was livid, they wanted to say hello to me (16yrs later)  I was civil, because unlike them I have good christian home training, but I was BARELY civil.  

As we pulled out of the driveway with them waving like the Beverly Hillbillies, The Mister asked me what staying in the car was about…I told him I wasn’t there yet, I may never BE there.  After 16yrs he doesn’t get it.  He has NEVER been black a day in his life.  He wants them in his life, I don’t.  

I still have problems putting it all into words.  They turned on him, they turned on us because I AM BLACK.  That is at the core of who they are.  Now they see the light, I’m suppose to set aside how they felt about me, having never met me they assumed the color of my skin some how made me less than…really how do you get beyond that?  I’ve prayed on it, and I let it go but I may never be in place to accept them.  As much as I love The Mister I simply can’t.  I am beyond them.

Other then being sick this was the only dark (bwaaaah) spot in our mini vacay.  I can’t wait to get back down south.  A few racist don’t stop no show!