Category Archives: My heart

Words as my heart speaks

You

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I try not to think of it.  No one should ever live in the world of what if and if only.  I enjoy my life as it is…for the most part.  There has been a lot of healing and choosing of battles.  I credit a great therapist and psychiatrist with helping me on this journey.

I have had many missteps, I have owned my failings and tried to move beyond them.  I try never to fall prey to the grass is greener on the other side, because basically you don’t know the real tea on what the other side is living.

I have loved and lost and loved again.  Rinse and repeat.

As I think of you tonight something within me is screaming DO.NOT. WRITE. THIS!!! Don’t give these feeling and works life. I’m hardheaded and I will not listen to that voice.  I need to release it all.  I have to let go. I have to move past. I have to.

I miss you so deeply.  There are times in my mind I have made a different choice.  I have allowed my own needs to outweigh my fear.  There are times in my mind I choose someone else’s husband and not my own.

I have danced around that very thing on this blog for a long time. I didn’t want to be seen as a whore, home wrecker, selfish destroyer of lives.

I picture a life of hard choices and joy.  I picture me questioning and afraid that what I have done to another will be done to me. That choosing you will lead to nothing but fear and heartache.  That one day you will become so tired of trying to prove your love that you do the very thing that brought me to you…betrayal.

But on the joyous side of that life, of that choice, is me walking near the water with you and our family.  The one we tore apart to build anew.  I picture our girls as sisters and our boys as brothers.  I picture us loving through the hardship of a love built on rocky ground.

I picture us near the water, you teasing me about my walk and me acting as if I’m ignoring everything you are saying.  I see this body heavy and full with a child we created out of love and need.  The child the doctors told me could take my life. I see me wide and heavy, as you help me sit in the sand as the kids play.  You rub my tummy and speak to a child who will be the carrier of our hope and dreams of love.  I laugh as you pull up my shirt and speak to him.  As you tell him of how much we love him and can’t wait to meet him I am filled with a love so abundant.  I rub your head as you kiss my belly.  I watch the life we have built and as I pray that the dark beginnings of our love flourishes in the light.

I know you would move heaven and earth for me.  I know this love is all consuming and quiet in its being.

Even as I struggle to know my place in your life I want you to know here in my safe place, if no place else…there are moments in my life I know I chose incorrectly, I should have chosen you.

and scene…

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This scenario, the film I have developed and edited repeatedly in my mind.

It can’t be warm. Those are times gone by, moments never to be relived.
It’s all eyes in the beginning. No touching.
It’s blistering cold and I’m being me when it comes to all of that. You laugh at me. Eyes almost closed, cheeks flushed from the cold.
I unwrap my layers. You laugh again shaking your head. Then as I remove my coat I realize I’m holding my breath.
Wheeeew. Exhale.
We sit because it’s just lunch.
I can’t stop looking at you. You don’t say a word. You extend your hands across the small table.  I welcome the first touch. I place my cold hands into yours. You rub your warm hands over mine. The first touch nothing like you read in books. The earth does not move. No heart beats skipped. It’s the warmth from your heart to my hands and once again I am safe.
Within your hands.
It’s warm again and we are by the water entangled in a love so rich so powerful life changing.
I’m in your hands heart mind body spirit.  Exhale.
You rub slowly, gently until my hands are warm. When you’re done you don’t let go. You slowly open your hands giving me the opportunity to disconnect if I feel the need. I rub my palms over yours. Still in your hands. I turn your hands over.  I slowly unlatch your over sized TAG Heuer lay it gently to the side.
I see the ink with my own eyes for the first time,  I’m under your skin. I rub my thumb over it very slowly as I try and fail to keep my emotions at bay. I look into your eyes as mine fill with tears.
Then you finally speak. “It’s okay Love. Let’s get some lunch”.
In your hands under your skin in your spirit. I am there.

see

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There are moments I find myself shaky.  Moments where my heart and soul are tender in their need for reassurance. 

I have tried so hard to stay in my lane.  To allow you to live the life you have constructed.  I have to tried to stay safe for both of our sakes.

Tonight it was too much, too much anger, too much Jack Daniels, and too much frustration. After the final sip I found myself wanting, needing.  I knew no matter what I could count on you to talk me down.  To soothe me and not judge my tears.

I felt so safe just letting you in.  Even with the lies of the past, I still trust you with the most fragile and tender parts of me. I reached out to you because even after all this time you are my safe place.  

I tried to hold back my tears, I sobbed unsuccessful as I let them fall with no shame.

Your words to me “I see you.” I know this to be true.  You see me in a way no one else does.  Through your eyes I am not perfect, but I am more than my flaws.  I am simply me.  That me fills this you and we are the we that has evolved through pain, triumph, and love.

I reach for you in the only way I know how.  Open, wanting, wounded, and longing.

The best most loving part of you, reaches the best most loving part of me.

It is not perfect, but it is enough for us to be who we have become.  Two people in this world of billions who through a lens of love “see” each other.

Un-broken

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I have a sisterfriend who is working on her PhD in sociology. This blows my mind as I struggle to just get in gear to finish my masters thesis.

She is from a very small very religious conservative town. She has made her escape (her words not mine) and is pursuing her dream of being an educated woman changing the world.

She has suffered trauma at the hands of those who were suppose to love and protect her throughout her life. Family turned on her when she decided to follow her own path.

She is struggling with her history as her classes open up wounds from her history.

She stated she was broken.

I have been in therapy for a loooong time and I have said those same words, but it was pointed out to me that broken people don’t seek change, broken people are in fact broken and continue to stay in that state.

As I struggled with my PTSD I felt overwhelmed and weak, even though I saw myself as broken as I did the work to make LIFE work, I found that I was anything but broken. Life is not without struggle and pain, but as I see myself after accepting what has happened to me and not letting it BE me, I can now see I am most definitely…Un-broken.

And it is so…

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I’ve been in this relationship for quite some time.  I have failed at some things repeatedly and been successful in others.  

After the last misstep we were back in counseling working through our own shit individually and together.

At our last joint counseling session, I simply spoke my truth.  My soul was not being fed and I needed something more, something different.  I asked for what I felt I needed. I laid it out in plain words.  

The response I got was one of confusion.  The mister seemed confused that I had grown and changed and the things I needed in my 20s were no longer the things I wanted or needed in my 40s.

I’ve asked for several different things in this marriage and several times my requests have been met with resistance.  

I have tried time and again to give him what he needs, touch,sex, and food.  So he says, he is just that simple.  Cuddle me Fuck me Feed me.  For some time I have struggled to provide him these things at intervals that were acceptable to him.  When we married I was not a cuddler, nor a woman who loved/lived to cook.  Now I loved the sex part, because 20 years ago I was a horny devil!  The Mister says these are the things he needs to feel loved.  It’s not who I am or was but I made an effort.

So now as I work my own stuff out in counseling (we no longer go together) I’ve come to my own reality.  He simply will not give me the things I asked for.  I won’t get those things from him and he is not going to give it even when I ask for it.

I have tried not to be bitter or resentful.  There are people in this world who simply can not or will not step outside their comfort zone.

He will not step outside that zone for me, though I know he has done it for others.  Since he has made his choices, I have to make mine.

I have a good life, I will not surrender it and I will not allow my soul to remain unfed.  I will not allow myself to become a bitter bitch. 

My plan is to live my life and find sustenance for my soul elsewhere. 

Someone once told me it takes 3… I will find my third.

And it is so, some day soon my soul and my heart will be fed and sated.

It’s officially official

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There are people in my life I have had complicated relationships with, up and downs such is life.  For years there has been someone in my life I have continued to do the most for.  I have moved heaven and earth to make things happen in this relationship.  Always trying to go that extra mile, not always succeeding but doing the heavy lifting.

Yesterday something shifted for me.  I was once again on the receiving end of someone who claims to love me doing the least with no explanation and no alternatives.  I immediately went into doing the most…for about 4 seconds.  As I thought of offering fixes that would have me doing more than was necessary I just shook my head.  I didn’t even attempt to “make things work”

I have many issues that are residue from childhood.  I have allowed some people into my life who refused to make even an effort to put me first. For numerous years I have accepted that and continued to try and keep those people in my life.

No more.

I HAVE people in my life who have done the most for ME and I in return have tried to do the same.  I know those people see me as someone who is to be cherished and loved.  They do whatever they can when they can, with no excuses no apologies.

It’s officially official.  I’m done doing the most for those who are worth less than the least.

It feels good.  It feels right.  I am so very thankful for this growth and realization.

 

I (secretly) want to write about…

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I have wanted to write a novel for at least the past five years.  I have fleshed out certain parts with great clarity and avoided other parts.  I have tried to decide what it is I’m trying to create.

I want to write about a relationship/marriage that is flawed with longing and infidelity.  The main female character will be “flawed” with longing and unfaithfulness.  The world doesn’t fall apart and the female character isn’t shamed into submission for following her longing and desires.  No scarlet letter anywhere to be found.  Life simply goes on. In my mind there are gritty parts that encompass erotic thoughts, some things that may be vile and disturbing to other.

It’s a work in progress and I’ve written parts in my mind over and over.  Some things change and some things stay the same.