My sister has plans to become a drug and alcohol counselor. We come from humble beginnings but are meant for great endings and I’m so proud of her!
She is my very best friend and I am better for having her as a steady support in my life (hard to believe we weren’t close growing up)
She currently runs a clinic for Veterans. We talk often about how the government doesn’t do enough for them.
Last night we talked about motherhood and PTSD. My PTSD. I was diagnosed in 2003 after my last deployment. I have put off treatment for 10yrs just getting by and surviving. I am now seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist. I refuse to medicate myself for mood issues. I tried that before and those meds just killed my spirit. So it’s a long road to navigate.
I feel guilt for not being strong enough NOT to have PTSD. Though I had a weapon pointed at me, my deployment was much less violent than those who have continued to serve. It makes me feel weak to know I can not get back to the me I was before that deployment. I feel like that person wasn’t perfect, but I kind of liked her. I am now without feeling most of the time. I have moments of break through but they aren’t nearly enough to make me feel like me.
My sister says I should tell my children about my PTSD so that they understand that it’s me not them. I cried during that part of our phone call. I don’t mind telling them about my disability, I am just broken at the thought that they may have damage because I am damaged. That makes me angry and very sad.
I have to pick a time and place. My hope is that my babies know that I love them. I have found those things I can no longer express in words, I will put pen to paper and show my love.
These are not the terms I wanted for motherhood, but this is where I am.
I have declared 2013 The Year of Me. I’m working on self mentally (not yet physically) and I’m getting rid of what doesn’t work for me.
I like sameness, I not a big proponent of change although I can roll with it when change comes about. I’m so late on this song, though I’ve heard it several times I never gave it a good listen. When I did I grabbed onto the sameness I had known for a YEARS.
I felt myself yearning, thirsting for sameness, not the change I wanted/want to see in this year of my new decade of life.
I played with the idea of running backward, but the thing with running backward is everyone else has moved forward so NOTHING is the sameness it was.
My heart ached I mean take a breath and let the tears flow ached. I didn’t try to stop them I may even have gone into the ugly cry♥ but I DID NOT run backward and fuck things up like I would have 12 short months ago. I’m still aching, but *I* am not the sameness anymore.
I have always tried to be honest with you, when you asked the questions, I answered them…honestly even when that honesty hurt you. You were MY truth…one of the few people I thought would never lie to me. You lied to her…why wouldn’t you lie to me? I’m so late. MY truth. My alter ego. BL we been through what felt like hell and back. The beginning spiral of my PTSD, The Other turning on you and upending your career. We been through love and heartache. Calling it real when it was deep and painful. You and I. Poetic ghetto superheroes. Writing and loving through the pain, with OUR version of the truth.
I feel like I have loved you in some form all of my life. Before I even knew you even. Yeah it’s corny, it’s MY truth. I am permanently a part of you and you to me.
The lie stung me to my core. I understand it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. MY truth.
I miss you, but I feel like if I keep my distance you will find what I am unable to provide. There are days I want to write you a poem…Rose are red…violets are blue…you are MY truth…no more rhymes or reasons.
I pray for your healing. I pray for your comfort and contentment. I pray that you never leave me. MY truth.
Whatever you are working on and working through it is your’s to have and to hold. I am now a visitor in your world and I will eventually settle that in my spirit.
I wish you all that you want and need for your heart to be full. Whatever that may be.
With all my flaws and shortcomings iThought truth and love were enough to forever bind us.
If you need to go I will make peace with that…because today I feel… iThought wrong.
I need to write today. My thoughts are scattered and my mind is occupied with things I don’t want to talk about.
We just returned from vacation. It was a good time with the kids and the inlaws. I’m left with glimpses of The Mister’s family I don’t want to think about. As much as I love all that my MIL has done for us, this trip showed a side of her that was just grating. Through all of our problems I know his family is on his side I would expect nothing else. She just seems to on edge and hateful. Perhaps she has always been that way and I didn’t see it, but the way she treated her husband was disturbing…really disturbing in the fact I felt maybe she was holding up a mirror. I don’t want to mistreat The Mister even though I am often angry at him. I find my self absorbed by all that has happened and I’m just pissed. When I think I have moved into a place of forgiveness I find I’m not there.
I don’t want to play the victim, the pain the disappointment the anger is there. The reminders of all this shit is always there. Will be there for years to come. HOW…HOW…how do I move to a place of peace? It’s easy to say let it go move on do it for you. Why am I not there yet? Why am I so worried about hurting his feelings if I tell the truth, if I allow my rage to surface.
We are still in counseling I know what I need to do, I’m just scared and not there. I want to protect myself. I want to be normal.
I’m stuck in so may areas of my life. I.am.stuck. The one place I am able to let go is a place I didn’t want to be to begin with. I wish it were all that easy.
I know fear. I have fear. I have been robbed by fear.
Nothing more nothing less.
Happy New Year!
I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in over a month. *sigh* I haven’t wanted to write. Things are moving along and I’m afraid if I don’t blog now it will be July before I blog again.
We are in the new house and tension ensues. It’s always about the money and how we spend it and where it goes. He feels entitled to spend money on his wants and I feel the HOUSE needs should come first. I’m not even speaking on extravagant things, something as simple as WINDOW shades. Yes most of the 30+ windows are not covered. He hates hanging curtains, I simply CAN’T do it. AND NONE of the downstairs windows have proper coverings, no shades, no blinds NADA. So I’m thinking there will be a blow up in the coming days. My stance…NO FUCKING TRAINS UNTIL ALL THE WINDOWS ARE COVERED! It seems so simple to me.
He wants to spend money on shit for himself, total disregard for our new home. I always feel like I HAVE to be the adult, the “no” person. BUT this is the same man that wants to spend money but hasn’t opened a book for promotion in WEEKS. This promotion would be quite a nice raise. I truly believe he’s not even trying because HIS promotion would mean *I* get to stop driving HIS hand me down 2005 SUV and get my true car love. I know when this “discussion” starts he’s going to tell me to work some overtime. *sigh*
So my blessings abound, but this man I’m married to is an idiot. Thank God (really probably ain’t got shit to do with God) for small things I hold onto in my life.
As I laid awake this morning thinking about my marriage, I came to a sad realization. I won’t ever trust my husband. There will always be something within ME that won’t allow me to completely let go. It’s not healthy. I’m tired, really tired of the ebb and flow of this pain. Looking at him and wondering what the hell he is up to. Talking with my support system to get reassurance that he’s not going to do some dumb shit.
No one can truly say what is going to happen, and I know for a fact that love doesn’t stop someone from hurting you. I’m tired of getting myself spun up over what I see and then having to talk myself back down. s.l.o.w.l.y. I’m tired of not talking to him about it because it hurts HIM and I still feel shitty. I’m tired of feeling like I’m stopping him from being friends with those he chooses. When does it stop? It easy to say to not get spun up, to take him at face value, but I haven’t been able to and I feel like I won’t ever be able.
My mood is funky today. Is okay for a married man to have female friends? Is okay for them to text? Is okay for those text to disappear from him phone like they never existed, but I have the phone bill so I know they did? Is it okay for him to text her on his ride into work? Is okay for them to text throughout the day, but not everyday? *sigh* Spinning again.
I feel like we both made this bed of hurt and betrayal but I’m the only one who has to lay in it…wide fucking awake at 2 am.
Seriously what’s love got to do with any of this?
El Syd had spirit week at school. Each day represented a different type of team. On the day for the favorite college team she wore her UNC cheerleading outfit. She was representing the Tarheels and making her daddy proud.
When she got home she let me know her outfit was a hit BUT an older neighbor girl told her “she was trying to be all that“. El Syd knew that wasn’t a compliment. I was pissed but I didn’t saying anything negative against her dingy ass “friend”.
I told El Syd she should ALWAYS strive to be all that. To be her best, to shine. I told her there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with being all that because she is in fact just that. ALL.THAT. I told her being all that was being smart. Being all that was being kind to others. I told her even though that heffa didn’t mean it as a compliment there was indeed a compliment inside that girl’s envy.
I told her folks who try to bring you down a peg or two by pointing out PERCEIVED flaws of some kind are actually telling you loud and clear they see you as ALL THAT.
I told El Syd to never settle for anything less then her best no matter how others view her from the outside. I told her to never dim her light, to ignore her gifts because someone else was afraid she was all.that. I asked her why she would WANT to be anything less? I saw the light come on, she knows who she is.
She is Ms.All.That.