As I laid awake this morning thinking about my marriage, I came to a sad realization. I won’t ever trust my husband. There will always be something within ME that won’t allow me to completely let go. It’s not healthy. I’m tired, really tired of the ebb and flow of this pain. Looking at him and wondering what the hell he is up to. Talking with my support system to get reassurance that he’s not going to do some dumb shit.
No one can truly say what is going to happen, and I know for a fact that love doesn’t stop someone from hurting you. I’m tired of getting myself spun up over what I see and then having to talk myself back down. s.l.o.w.l.y. I’m tired of not talking to him about it because it hurts HIM and I still feel shitty. I’m tired of feeling like I’m stopping him from being friends with those he chooses. When does it stop? It easy to say to not get spun up, to take him at face value, but I haven’t been able to and I feel like I won’t ever be able.
My mood is funky today. Is okay for a married man to have female friends? Is okay for them to text? Is okay for those text to disappear from him phone like they never existed, but I have the phone bill so I know they did? Is it okay for him to text her on his ride into work? Is okay for them to text throughout the day, but not everyday? *sigh* Spinning again.
I feel like we both made this bed of hurt and betrayal but I’m the only one who has to lay in it…wide fucking awake at 2 am.
Seriously what’s love got to do with any of this?