I try not to think of it. No one should ever live in the world of what if and if only. I enjoy my life as it is…for the most part. There has been a lot of healing and choosing of battles. I credit a great therapist and psychiatrist with helping me on this journey.
I have had many missteps, I have owned my failings and tried to move beyond them. I try never to fall prey to the grass is greener on the other side, because basically you don’t know the real tea on what the other side is living.
I have loved and lost and loved again. Rinse and repeat.
As I think of you tonight something within me is screaming DO.NOT. WRITE. THIS!!! Don’t give these feeling and works life. I’m hardheaded and I will not listen to that voice. I need to release it all. I have to let go. I have to move past. I have to.
I miss you so deeply. There are times in my mind I have made a different choice. I have allowed my own needs to outweigh my fear. There are times in my mind I choose someone else’s husband and not my own.
I have danced around that very thing on this blog for a long time. I didn’t want to be seen as a whore, homeworker, selfish destroyer of lives.
I picture a life of hard choices and joy. I picture me questioning and afraid that what I have done to another will be done to me. That choosing you will lead to nothing but fear and heartache. That one day you will become so tired of trying to prove your love that you do the very thing that brought me to you…betrayal.
But on the joyous side of that life, of that choice, is me walking near the water with you and our family. The one we tore apart to build anew. I picture our girls as sisters and our boys as brothers. I picture us loving through the hardship of a love built on rocky ground.
I picture us near the water, you teasing me about my walk and me acting as if I’m ignoring everything you are saying. I see this body heavy and full with a child we created out of love and need. The child the doctors told me could take my life. I see me wide and heavy, as you help me sit in the sand as the kids play. You rub my tummy and speak to a child who will be the carrier of our hope and dreams of love. I laugh as you pull up my shirt and speak to him. As you tell him of how much we love him and can’t wait to meet him I am filled with a love so abundant. I rub your head as you kiss my belly. I watch the life we have built and as I pray that the dark beginnings of our love flourishes in the light.
I know you would move heaven and earth for me. I know this love is all consuming and quiet in its being.
Even as I struggle to know my place in your life I want you to know here in my safe place, if no place else…there are moments in my life I know I chose incorrectly, I should have chosen you.