Category Archives: Love

You

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I try not to think of it.  No one should ever live in the world of what if and if only.  I enjoy my life as it is…for the most part.  There has been a lot of healing and choosing of battles.  I credit a great therapist and psychiatrist with helping me on this journey.

I have had many missteps, I have owned my failings and tried to move beyond them.  I try never to fall prey to the grass is greener on the other side, because basically you don’t know the real tea on what the other side is living.

I have loved and lost and loved again.  Rinse and repeat.

As I think of you tonight something within me is screaming DO.NOT. WRITE. THIS!!! Don’t give these feeling and works life. I’m hardheaded and I will not listen to that voice.  I need to release it all.  I have to let go. I have to move past. I have to.

I miss you so deeply.  There are times in my mind I have made a different choice.  I have allowed my own needs to outweigh my fear.  There are times in my mind I choose someone else’s husband and not my own.

I have danced around that very thing on this blog for a long time. I didn’t want to be seen as a whore, home wrecker, selfish destroyer of lives.

I picture a life of hard choices and joy.  I picture me questioning and afraid that what I have done to another will be done to me. That choosing you will lead to nothing but fear and heartache.  That one day you will become so tired of trying to prove your love that you do the very thing that brought me to you…betrayal.

But on the joyous side of that life, of that choice, is me walking near the water with you and our family.  The one we tore apart to build anew.  I picture our girls as sisters and our boys as brothers.  I picture us loving through the hardship of a love built on rocky ground.

I picture us near the water, you teasing me about my walk and me acting as if I’m ignoring everything you are saying.  I see this body heavy and full with a child we created out of love and need.  The child the doctors told me could take my life. I see me wide and heavy, as you help me sit in the sand as the kids play.  You rub my tummy and speak to a child who will be the carrier of our hope and dreams of love.  I laugh as you pull up my shirt and speak to him.  As you tell him of how much we love him and can’t wait to meet him I am filled with a love so abundant.  I rub your head as you kiss my belly.  I watch the life we have built and as I pray that the dark beginnings of our love flourishes in the light.

I know you would move heaven and earth for me.  I know this love is all consuming and quiet in its being.

Even as I struggle to know my place in your life I want you to know here in my safe place, if no place else…there are moments in my life I know I chose incorrectly, I should have chosen you.

and scene…

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This scenario, the film I have developed and edited repeatedly in my mind.

It can’t be warm. Those are times gone by, moments never to be relived.
It’s all eyes in the beginning. No touching.
It’s blistering cold and I’m being me when it comes to all of that. You laugh at me. Eyes almost closed, cheeks flushed from the cold.
I unwrap my layers. You laugh again shaking your head. Then as I remove my coat I realize I’m holding my breath.
Wheeeew. Exhale.
We sit because it’s just lunch.
I can’t stop looking at you. You don’t say a word. You extend your hands across the small table.  I welcome the first touch. I place my cold hands into yours. You rub your warm hands over mine. The first touch nothing like you read in books. The earth does not move. No heart beats skipped. It’s the warmth from your heart to my hands and once again I am safe.
Within your hands.
It’s warm again and we are by the water entangled in a love so rich so powerful life changing.
I’m in your hands heart mind body spirit.  Exhale.
You rub slowly, gently until my hands are warm. When you’re done you don’t let go. You slowly open your hands giving me the opportunity to disconnect if I feel the need. I rub my palms over yours. Still in your hands. I turn your hands over.  I slowly unlatch your over sized TAG Heuer lay it gently to the side.
I see the ink with my own eyes for the first time,  I’m under your skin. I rub my thumb over it very slowly as I try and fail to keep my emotions at bay. I look into your eyes as mine fill with tears.
Then you finally speak. “It’s okay Love. Let’s get some lunch”.
In your hands under your skin in your spirit. I am there.

see

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There are moments I find myself shaky.  Moments where my heart and soul are tender in their need for reassurance. 

I have tried so hard to stay in my lane.  To allow you to live the life you have constructed.  I have to tried to stay safe for both of our sakes.

Tonight it was too much, too much anger, too much Jack Daniels, and too much frustration. After the final sip I found myself wanting, needing.  I knew no matter what I could count on you to talk me down.  To soothe me and not judge my tears.

I felt so safe just letting you in.  Even with the lies of the past, I still trust you with the most fragile and tender parts of me. I reached out to you because even after all this time you are my safe place.  

I tried to hold back my tears, I sobbed unsuccessful as I let them fall with no shame.

Your words to me “I see you.” I know this to be true.  You see me in a way no one else does.  Through your eyes I am not perfect, but I am more than my flaws.  I am simply me.  That me fills this you and we are the we that has evolved through pain, triumph, and love.

I reach for you in the only way I know how.  Open, wanting, wounded, and longing.

The best most loving part of you, reaches the best most loving part of me.

It is not perfect, but it is enough for us to be who we have become.  Two people in this world of billions who through a lens of love “see” each other.

Let’s Dance

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You came into my life so long ago, so many memories still vivid for me.

Never forgotten, always in my heart and soul.

When you ask me for forgiveness for broken hearts and deferred dreams after all this time I can speak my truth.  

I have moved through hurt, sadness, and anger.  I have moved through you and back to me, only to get to us again.  

It’s our dance.  A dance of love and friendship.  A lifetime of full moons.

Even when I don’t want to love you, within my soul I know I do.  

It’s our dance.  A dance of acceptance of choices. A lifetime full of my love for you.

Thank you for your words from the heart.  Thank you for knowing I only want your truth.  Thank you for making me, making us matter.  Thank you for feeding our souls.

I love how you hold me while we dance Sweets.

So Mama has this thing…

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I talked to the youngest two today.  It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed. 

I told them that I love them far and wide.  Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does.  My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.

I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love.  I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.

I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know.  Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby  boy was only 3yrs old.  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.  This is how they know me.  This is how they will remember me.  

I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.

….so I creep yeah I just keep it on the down low

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I told myself I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t google (google is the devil) but I did.  For the first time in a long while it didn’t turn out the way I had planned.

As I looked at the pics and the video I wondered if you ever creep on me.   Googling the names you have tattooed across various parts of your body.  I am simple to find, but it’s not like I’m hiding.

I imagine a day when I google and I find a baby registry much in the way I found the truth you were lying to me about.  

I noticed a few things…the weight gain…me too and the acne is back which lets me know you are stressed. This makes me sad.  It makes me miss you all the more.  I know my lane and I plan to stay firmly in it.  I am four feet from peace BL.  Finally.

Still battling those little red bottom imps when they pop up, but the darkness has fallen to the background.  I am in a good place for the most part.  I still struggle, but I feel I will not be defeated.

It was good to hear your voice, to see you with the boy.  He so grown up, our version of Noah.  “Our” baby.

Remember when we were in the ER with baby girl?  “Our” babies the lot of them.  

I hope she makes you happy BL I hope when she lays in your arms her head resting on my name across your heart (a bit o’ shade) I hope you are four feet from peace.

Where is her name…

God I hope she never googles “us”

She ain’t ready for the “truth”