I need to write today. My thoughts are scattered and my mind is occupied with things I don’t want to talk about.
We just returned from vacation. It was a good time with the kids and the inlaws. I’m left with glimpses of The Mister’s family I don’t want to think about. As much as I love all that my MIL has done for us, this trip showed a side of her that was just grating. Through all of our problems I know his family is on his side I would expect nothing else. She just seems to on edge and hateful. Perhaps she has always been that way and I didn’t see it, but the way she treated her husband was disturbing…really disturbing in the fact I felt maybe she was holding up a mirror. I don’t want to mistreat The Mister even though I am often angry at him. I find my self absorbed by all that has happened and I’m just pissed. When I think I have moved into a place of forgiveness I find I’m not there.
I don’t want to play the victim, the pain the disappointment the anger is there. The reminders of all this shit is always there. Will be there for years to come. HOW…HOW…how do I move to a place of peace? It’s easy to say let it go move on do it for you. Why am I not there yet? Why am I so worried about hurting his feelings if I tell the truth, if I allow my rage to surface.
We are still in counseling I know what I need to do, I’m just scared and not there. I want to protect myself. I want to be normal.
I’m stuck in so may areas of my life. I.am.stuck. The one place I am able to let go is a place I didn’t want to be to begin with. I wish it were all that easy.
I know fear. I have fear. I have been robbed by fear.
Nothing more nothing less.