Category Archives: My stuff

My 51 things….

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I borrowed this idea from Lib at liberationtheory. Lib’s was 101 things in 1001 days. I shortened it just a bit. It’s a work in progress. I will eventually finish the list but I’m trying to add things outside my comfort zone and things that seem a bit fun. Wish me luck.

501 days from this day is October 1, 2014. When I look at this date I’m hopeful, almost excited

1. Learn enough spanish to have a conversation

2. Get to a weight I’m happy with

3. Get monthly massages

4. Get rid of our (my) credit card debt

5. Go on a cruise

6. Complete two major house projects

7. Clean up the garage/organize it

8. Make a “me” place for my make up

9. Learn to rollerblade

10. Make my blog public

11. Attend IMATS NY

12 Visit a tropical island

13. Update our passports

14. Develop a skin care regimen

15. Buy a gun

16. Learn to shoot

17. Decorate my walls

18. Visit the Oyin store in B-more

19. Visit my sister in TX

20. Start Grad School

21. Organize my closet

22. Skinny Dip

23. Learn to how make a crab broil

24. Roadtrip with Thelma

25. Cut my hair

26. Take unwanted closet items to Goodwill

27. Go dancing

28. Take a class for fun

29. Start and finish a scrapbooking project

30. Organize my make up

31. Finish my 51 things in 501 days list

32. Finish a 5k

32. Go kayaking

33. Go parasailing

October 2014 has come and gone.  My list did not get completed by I made efforts on some things and none on others.  I do plan to start a new list, some things will be on the list again, but I am striving to step out and be true to me.

7. The garage was cleaned and arranged but is a mess yet again.  Lots of items I need to take to goodwill, but generally things are where they need to be.

8.  I moved the over stuffed reading chair out of my nook in my room,  I set up a nice desk and a couple of bookshelves.  I bought some lamps with bright bulbs and a stand alone mirror.  It’s not complete but it’s MY space.  I like.

10. I made my blog public and searchable.  I don’t get a lot traffic and I’m quite alright with that.  I feel somewhat exposed but I did it.

13. I updated my own passport and I consider that a completion.

18. I have been a huge fan of Oyin and its creators since before they were “Oyin”  I visited their store in B-more and picked up some cute t-shirts and great hair products.

20.  I did indeed start Grad school and finished it in the Fall of 2014.  I’m so excited about this accomplishment.  I have so many great women in my life who have supported me in this journey.  Lib and Thelma, thank you so much!

21.  Much like the garage my closet WAS clean and organized…LOL

24. THELMA is my sister, I love her so much.  God sent her to this earth for me, he knew I needed someone who understood my crazy who wouldn’t judge my fuckery and who would set my crazy ass straight when needed.  It wasn’t actually a roadtrip as in we in the car…we went to VEGAS and it was a blast.  Love you girl!

25. I had my locs for 7.5yrs, I had come to the point where I needed to make changes and my hair was one of those things.  Thelma “held my hand” and I went from ass length locs to a very sexy RED TWA!  Shit was so cute, but I’m growing it out again for another set of locs.  Change is good.

26. Those things went to Goodwill AND I now have even more to get rid of…we have too much stuff.  Time to let it go.

27. Thelma and I got our dance on in Vegas…Wobble on deck!  LOL

30.  I have organized my makeup but I would like to make it “cute” and girly.  It’s a work in progress.

33.  Thelma and I took our families to the beach…The Mister and I parasailed it was wonderful.  I would so do it again!

The new 51 things list will be up soon.  The only place to move is forward.

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Blogging and drinking…oil and water?

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My mama used to tell me never write down something you wouldn’t want me to read.  She was crazy and wise.  At times I don’t write about things because I know nothing you write down is truly safe.  But there are other times I write through the fear of my raw self being exposed to…well whomever.

I want this life.  A life I haven’t figured out quite yet.  I want someone who understands my heart, someone who sees that I am simply me.  It sounds all corny and whatnot, but I truly want someone who grabs me in the middle of the day and dances to a song that reminds him of me.  I want someone who is able to understand I may seem strong but there are times when I need him to grab me and hold me, just because.  I don’t want to be the strong one.  I want to be the protected one.   I found this song, it touched me.   I don’t want a “captain save a ho”.  I want to to be loved in a way I have never known, well I’ve known it I simply can’t have it.

First Thought

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Is it strange that I can remember the last time I felt I was a first thought.  I remember standing in that room fresh out of the shower looking in the mirror.  Starring at your reflection in the mirror as you stared at me.  You had done this, crashing into my world.  Trying to give me what I was unable to have…you…us.  

I remember the weight of your chin on my shoulder as you leaned in from behind me starring at my face in the mirror.  You leaned your head into mine and said “we are going to make a beautiful baby”.  Too many years, too late.

I remember the smell of you fresh from sleep, hot musky from your time on the road.

You came to me as soon as you were able, trading favors and goodwill to get on the road to simply be in my presence.  I knew in those few hours I mattered to you.  I was your first thought.  I ached so badly I couldn’t even give it words, breath, light.

Held close, you said all you ever wanted to do was sleep with me, to watch me unafraid and unguarded as I dreamed, hopefully of you, of us.  Something so simple.  You said it was a gift. A gift. 

Your gift to me?

Your first thought.

Grateful for homework

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There are many things I’m grateful for in life. I’ve learned through my struggles in therapy the way you process situations makes a huge difference in how they affect you.

I’ve had little to no sex drive for at least 5 years. It saddens me because once upon a time I was hungry for sex. HUNGRY!

Now when I know it’s time to take care of my home by doing “homework” I feel irritated and some times angry. Then I’m sad because after almost 20 years and 60+ lbs this man still wants me. He still desires all of this GOODT GOODT! Now don’t get me wrong I know my pussy is top notch. I get it poopin!

However my desire and longing is non-existent. Sad. Now I enjoy sex when I’m having even though I’m distracted and usually thinking about how much I should be enjoying this beautiful man.

I’m not a foreplay girl. I prefer a good hard fuck. I like it rough. Back back in the day if I didn’t leave sex with a few bruises my partner didn’t get another chance. I didn’t believe in a 2nd chance to get it right. AND I made no excuses. Simply told the truth and kept it moving. Then I met The Mister. This man got THREE chances but sex wasn’t about bruises as trophies and good memories. Our sex life has
dwindled but we go strong when we go.

He’s never been a rough sex shit talker. I’ve requested it but it’s just not in him when it comes to us. No choking no filthy words.

Even though sex feels like work I am grateful for the homework after all these years. I know it doesn’t happen for everyone.

It’s officially official

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There are people in my life I have had complicated relationships with, up and downs such is life.  For years there has been someone in my life I have continued to do the most for.  I have moved heaven and earth to make things happen in this relationship.  Always trying to go that extra mile, not always succeeding but doing the heavy lifting.

Yesterday something shifted for me.  I was once again on the receiving end of someone who claims to love me doing the least with no explanation and no alternatives.  I immediately went into doing the most…for about 4 seconds.  As I thought of offering fixes that would have me doing more than was necessary I just shook my head.  I didn’t even attempt to “make things work”

I have many issues that are residue from childhood.  I have allowed some people into my life who refused to make even an effort to put me first. For numerous years I have accepted that and continued to try and keep those people in my life.

No more.

I HAVE people in my life who have done the most for ME and I in return have tried to do the same.  I know those people see me as someone who is to be cherished and loved.  They do whatever they can when they can, with no excuses no apologies.

It’s officially official.  I’m done doing the most for those who are worth less than the least.

It feels good.  It feels right.  I am so very thankful for this growth and realization.

 

Mile 26

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Hello life. 

Whew.  

Man.

The Mister and I have been together for almost 2 decades.  We have ups and downs.  

Whew.

Man.

There has been infidelity and some heartache.

Man. 

Whew.

I’m keeping it real in this year of ME. 2014

Yesterday was a testament to the healing I have sought through seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist.  

The mister and I had a professional function for his workplace yesterday.  I had to sit across from the chick he was flirting with AND her NEW husband.  

Man. 

Whew.

I had a INTENSE therapy session the day prior.  I was stuck.  Giving away my peace and joy.  I worked through some things in that session that allowed me center myself. So as I smiled and had a good time.  I found my peace and my joy.  

I’m sure the mister and the bitch at the bottom of the sea (flirty chick) were clenched beyond comfort, but I had a sense of who I plan to be.  

Wwwwhew 

Maaaaan

I am no one’s victim and this whole incident is a indication of things that were wrong in my life.  I put in the work, it hurts and it’s slower than I would like.  Work is being done regardless.

I have felt the loss of my joy and peace, I replaced it with anger and fear.  This journey is marathon, but for the first time I feel I’m at mile 26.