Tag Archives: purge



I try not to think of it.  No one should ever live in the world of what if and if only.  I enjoy my life as it is…for the most part.  There has been a lot of healing and choosing of battles.  I credit a great therapist and psychiatrist with helping me on this journey.

I have had many missteps, I have owned my failings and tried to move beyond them.  I try never to fall prey to the grass is greener on the other side, because basically you don’t know the real tea on what the other side is living.

I have loved and lost and loved again.  Rinse and repeat.

As I think of you tonight something within me is screaming DO.NOT. WRITE. THIS!!! Don’t give these feeling and works life. I’m hardheaded and I will not listen to that voice.  I need to release it all.  I have to let go. I have to move past. I have to.

I miss you so deeply.  There are times in my mind I have made a different choice.  I have allowed my own needs to outweigh my fear.  There are times in my mind I choose someone else’s husband and not my own.

I have danced around that very thing on this blog for a long time. I didn’t want to be seen as a whore, home wrecker, selfish destroyer of lives.

I picture a life of hard choices and joy.  I picture me questioning and afraid that what I have done to another will be done to me. That choosing you will lead to nothing but fear and heartache.  That one day you will become so tired of trying to prove your love that you do the very thing that brought me to you…betrayal.

But on the joyous side of that life, of that choice, is me walking near the water with you and our family.  The one we tore apart to build anew.  I picture our girls as sisters and our boys as brothers.  I picture us loving through the hardship of a love built on rocky ground.

I picture us near the water, you teasing me about my walk and me acting as if I’m ignoring everything you are saying.  I see this body heavy and full with a child we created out of love and need.  The child the doctors told me could take my life. I see me wide and heavy, as you help me sit in the sand as the kids play.  You rub my tummy and speak to a child who will be the carrier of our hope and dreams of love.  I laugh as you pull up my shirt and speak to him.  As you tell him of how much we love him and can’t wait to meet him I am filled with a love so abundant.  I rub your head as you kiss my belly.  I watch the life we have built and as I pray that the dark beginnings of our love flourishes in the light.

I know you would move heaven and earth for me.  I know this love is all consuming and quiet in its being.

Even as I struggle to know my place in your life I want you to know here in my safe place, if no place else…there are moments in my life I know I chose incorrectly, I should have chosen you.


Blogging and drinking…oil and water?


My mama used to tell me never write down something you wouldn’t want me to read.  She was crazy and wise.  At times I don’t write about things because I know nothing you write down is truly safe.  But there are other times I write through the fear of my raw self being exposed to…well whomever.

I want this life.  A life I haven’t figured out quite yet.  I want someone who understands my heart, someone who sees that I am simply me.  It sounds all corny and whatnot, but I truly want someone who grabs me in the middle of the day and dances to a song that reminds him of me.  I want someone who is able to understand I may seem strong but there are times when I need him to grab me and hold me, just because.  I don’t want to be the strong one.  I want to be the protected one.   I found this song, it touched me.   I don’t want a “captain save a ho”.  I want to to be loved in a way I have never known, well I’ve known it I simply can’t have it.

What you compromise to get…


I’ve been on this earth for over 4 decades.  I’m trying so very hard to simply be honest in my life…honest with myself.  

My mantra for the latter part of 2014 and all of 2015 “I have compromised all I’m willing to compromised for those I love”.

For me the interaction with those I love, adults in my life, I have tried to be the truest me I can be.  I have changed the way I interact with those I love.  This includes my parents and the Mister.

I still see my psychiatrist and a counselor.  This has been working for me and I know I am doing better than I was just one year ago.  Progress.

The Mister and I have been doing this marriage thing and I have simply decided WHO I want to be in this marriage.  I’m not sure he really gets it.  I have held my tongue, compromised, and done things I simply didn’t WANT to do.  I rarely told him what I was doing.  He truly thought we were on the same page with so many things, why would he think differently?  It had been this way for years.  I simply stayed silent, didn’t use my voice.  That has changed.  I am finding ways to speak, not in a hurtful or harsh way (sometimes I fail).  The Mister is rightfully confused by the change, I have simply stated the things I want and I speak my truth.  This is new for the both of us.

I’m been real cool on my MIL for the past few years.  There is a long history with HER racist family and the way she interacts with me and my family (the kids) when she is in our space.  The Mister is oblivious to it all, so on this issue I simply do what I am comfortable with.  

I married a mama’s boy, one who has not been able to cut the apron strings and see that he has his OWN family, his own home, his own life.  He is so completely attached to his mother, it affects the way in which he is attached to me.  He doesn’t see the passive aggressiveness, the intrusion, the string pulling.  I can’t make him see it, so it’s not a fight I’m willing to take on.

As I type this I am in our “new” home over 1000 miles away from him and our kids for Xmas.  He wanted to spend this holiday with his mother because it was our “turn” to travel to see her (and Papa) for the holidays. Before THIS holiday he had spent 2 weeks with his mother in 2014.  I wasn’t willing to miss work and make other compromises to make this trip.  I chose to spend those 8 days in my home and celebrate the holiday a few days after Xmas and I’m okay with that.  I’m not a Xmas person I will enjoy him and the kids when they return.

There is an undercurrent of the unknown in my life right now.  No one never knows where they are headed.  I’ve finished Grad school a life long dream.  I’m discovering a new way to be me.  

I have refused to compromise to “keep”.  Whatever I have compromised to get is enough compromise for me.

wide awake


It has slumbered for so long as it  awakened it caught me off guard. The welcomed beat of a different heart.

Slow exhale eyes just this side of closed.
Quick glimpses ample thighs wrapped around your waist. Eyes closed.
I’m slick with want my cores heat fixated on your thickness
Each and every urgent stroke a signature. As you write your name from the inside of me to the outside of what is now we
Forceful down strokes. One hand  wrapped around my throat I trust each and every squeeze.  Your voice in my ear. One word that does not need to be spoken drawn out in a low guttural moan “mine”
The back of my thighs now pressed against your chest as you reach the place where we have always been connected.
Your lips and tongue claim me pronouncing your ownership without words as you taste me. As you feast you feed my need. Fingers strong and demanding as you grab my ass to allow better feasting. My heart soars as your mouth is full of me.
Ample thighs resting on your shoulder. Feast.
My back to your chest as you enter me from behind. My hands applying the perfect indirect pressure as you work us to the final expression of awakened love.

and scene…


This scenario, the film I have developed and edited repeatedly in my mind.

It can’t be warm. Those are times gone by, moments never to be relived.
It’s all eyes in the beginning. No touching.
It’s blistering cold and I’m being me when it comes to all of that. You laugh at me. Eyes almost closed, cheeks flushed from the cold.
I unwrap my layers. You laugh again shaking your head. Then as I remove my coat I realize I’m holding my breath.
Wheeeew. Exhale.
We sit because it’s just lunch.
I can’t stop looking at you. You don’t say a word. You extend your hands across the small table.  I welcome the first touch. I place my cold hands into yours. You rub your warm hands over mine. The first touch nothing like you read in books. The earth does not move. No heart beats skipped. It’s the warmth from your heart to my hands and once again I am safe.
Within your hands.
It’s warm again and we are by the water entangled in a love so rich so powerful life changing.
I’m in your hands heart mind body spirit.  Exhale.
You rub slowly, gently until my hands are warm. When you’re done you don’t let go. You slowly open your hands giving me the opportunity to disconnect if I feel the need. I rub my palms over yours. Still in your hands. I turn your hands over.  I slowly unlatch your over sized TAG Heuer lay it gently to the side.
I see the ink with my own eyes for the first time,  I’m under your skin. I rub my thumb over it very slowly as I try and fail to keep my emotions at bay. I look into your eyes as mine fill with tears.
Then you finally speak. “It’s okay Love. Let’s get some lunch”.
In your hands under your skin in your spirit. I am there.

I wrote this…


I haven’t been able to blog.  I jus keep writing and rewriting things in my head.  I’m trying to do the work to change the course of how I feel, but it would seem I’m not getting where I want to go.

I was never the princess type girl.  I dreamed of visiting place and being happily weird. I wanted to get away from that nagging feeling that I didn’t matter.  I found decades later, no matter how far you travel you pack those feelings with you. 

Not boasting but I have high emotional intelligence.  Logically I understand those feelings don’t reflect how those who love me see me in real time.

Unwittingly I married someone who has very low emotional intelligence.  I’ve been in therapy on my own and with my husband. It has taken me years to see myself unfiltered.  I am emotionally fragile with those I allow close to me.  Outside my circle others see this chick who has zero fucks to give.  If someone sees me this way it means I have kept them out of my circles.  My circles are very small and run inward with smaller circles as you get to my core.  As the circles get smaller it represents fewer and fewer people I allow close.

I’m sitting on the edge of something that terrifies me.

Hang with me for a bit.  Give me this space as I try to give words to where I’m at.

I can’t do math.  Well I can’t do advanced levels of math such as calculus and not even higher level algebra.  It’s not my portion.  I can follow that steps but left on my own it’s a foreign language to me.

As I sat with my therapist it came out that my husband doesn’t get emotion.  He doesn’t understand how someone could not feel what he feels and how he feels it.  The thought of how emotions ebb and flow.  The heart of it.  He simply does not get it.  

I was told I had to find a way to accept he does not have this gift to give me.  I want to call bullshit.  However if I do that I’m not acknowledging his limits.  I still think in my core he simply does not DESIRE to be more for ME.  I resent it and for years I have been drawn to those who are my emotional equals.

I was drawn to my husband because he was SO different from me.  Calm to my frantic.  I’ve always felt my emotions some how make me flawed.  I sought to fix that flaw by trying to balance it out.  I had no idea that those needs would some day outweigh the other things I felt were important in a partner.  I also had no idea I married someone who didn’t have the ability to bond with me in ways that I wanted and needed.  I took his “flaw” as my own.  As if his inability to fulfill me, to see me was my fault.  I simple didn’t matter enough. Again.  I’ve asked repeatedly for what I need emotionally.  I’ve yet to receive it.

Now I must decide what I can and can’t live with. Do I walk away because he’s unable?  I haven’t figured that out.  I know I want to stop being angry.  I want to stop laying awake at night silently crying because another day has passed and my soul is starving.  I want to stop resenting the fact he states he would do anything for me but in reality the things I need the most are out of his reach.

So Mama has this thing…


I talked to the youngest two today.  It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed. 

I told them that I love them far and wide.  Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does.  My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.

I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love.  I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.

I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know.  Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby  boy was only 3yrs old.  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.  This is how they know me.  This is how they will remember me.  

I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.