What you compromise to get…

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I’ve been on this earth for over 4 decades.  I’m trying so very hard to simply be honest in my life…honest with myself.  

My mantra for the latter part of 2014 and all of 2015 “I have compromised all I’m willing to compromised for those I love”.

For me the interaction with those I love, adults in my life, I have tried to be the truest me I can be.  I have changed the way I interact with those I love.  This includes my parents and the Mister.

I still see my psychiatrist and a counselor.  This has been working for me and I know I am doing better than I was just one year ago.  Progress.

The Mister and I have been doing this marriage thing and I have simply decided WHO I want to be in this marriage.  I’m not sure he really gets it.  I have held my tongue, compromised, and done things I simply didn’t WANT to do.  I rarely told him what I was doing.  He truly thought we were on the same page with so many things, why would he think differently?  It had been this way for years.  I simply stayed silent, didn’t use my voice.  That has changed.  I am finding ways to speak, not in a hurtful or harsh way (sometimes I fail).  The Mister is rightfully confused by the change, I have simply stated the things I want and I speak my truth.  This is new for the both of us.

I’m been real cool on my MIL for the past few years.  There is a long history with HER racist family and the way she interacts with me and my family (the kids) when she is in our space.  The Mister is oblivious to it all, so on this issue I simply do what I am comfortable with.  

I married a mama’s boy, one who has not been able to cut the apron strings and see that he has his OWN family, his own home, his own life.  He is so completely attached to his mother, it affects the way in which he is attached to me.  He doesn’t see the passive aggressiveness, the intrusion, the string pulling.  I can’t make him see it, so it’s not a fight I’m willing to take on.

As I type this I am in our “new” home over 1000 miles away from him and our kids for Xmas.  He wanted to spend this holiday with his mother because it was our “turn” to travel to see her (and Papa) for the holidays. Before THIS holiday he had spent 2 weeks with his mother in 2014.  I wasn’t willing to miss work and make other compromises to make this trip.  I chose to spend those 8 days in my home and celebrate the holiday a few days after Xmas and I’m okay with that.  I’m not a Xmas person I will enjoy him and the kids when they return.

There is an undercurrent of the unknown in my life right now.  No one never knows where they are headed.  I’ve finished Grad school a life long dream.  I’m discovering a new way to be me.  

I have refused to compromise to “keep”.  Whatever I have compromised to get is enough compromise for me.

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