I haven’t been able to blog. I jus keep writing and rewriting things in my head. I’m trying to do the work to change the course of how I feel, but it would seem I’m not getting where I want to go.
I was never the princess type girl. I dreamed of visiting place and being happily weird. I wanted to get away from that nagging feeling that I didn’t matter. I found decades later, no matter how far you travel you pack those feelings with you.
Not boasting but I have high emotional intelligence. Logically I understand those feelings don’t reflect how those who love me see me in real time.
Unwittingly I married someone who has very low emotional intelligence. I’ve been in therapy on my own and with my husband. It has taken me years to see myself unfiltered. I am emotionally fragile with those I allow close to me. Outside my circle others see this chick who has zero fucks to give. If someone sees me this way it means I have kept them out of my circles. My circles are very small and run inward with smaller circles as you get to my core. As the circles get smaller it represents fewer and fewer people I allow close.
I’m sitting on the edge of something that terrifies me.
Hang with me for a bit. Give me this space as I try to give words to where I’m at.
I can’t do math. Well I can’t do advanced levels of math such as calculus and not even higher level algebra. It’s not my portion. I can follow that steps but left on my own it’s a foreign language to me.
As I sat with my therapist it came out that my husband doesn’t get emotion. He doesn’t understand how someone could not feel what he feels and how he feels it. The thought of how emotions ebb and flow. The heart of it. He simply does not get it.
I was told I had to find a way to accept he does not have this gift to give me. I want to call bullshit. However if I do that I’m not acknowledging his limits. I still think in my core he simply does not DESIRE to be more for ME. I resent it and for years I have been drawn to those who are my emotional equals.
I was drawn to my husband because he was SO different from me. Calm to my frantic. I’ve always felt my emotions some how make me flawed. I sought to fix that flaw by trying to balance it out. I had no idea that those needs would some day outweigh the other things I felt were important in a partner. I also had no idea I married someone who didn’t have the ability to bond with me in ways that I wanted and needed. I took his “flaw” as my own. As if his inability to fulfill me, to see me was my fault. I simple didn’t matter enough. Again. I’ve asked repeatedly for what I need emotionally. I’ve yet to receive it.
Now I must decide what I can and can’t live with. Do I walk away because he’s unable? I haven’t figured that out. I know I want to stop being angry. I want to stop laying awake at night silently crying because another day has passed and my soul is starving. I want to stop resenting the fact he states he would do anything for me but in reality the things I need the most are out of his reach.