I am afraid. It makes me feel weak. It makes me anxious. It makes me angry.
In 2014 I’m trying not to eat (literally and figuratively) those feelings. I’ve had a food addiction for most of my life. While food is not my friend, it’s not my enemy either. I’ve given it a place in my life that I felt comfortable with. I am no longer comfortable and little by little I plan to change me.
This is a huge year for me. Again with life changes. So many changes in my life in less than 5yrs.
I have addressed my PTSD for real, for the first time in a decade. A fucking decade! Wow. I’m good at that hide and not seek thing.
I have addressed The Mister and how I feel in this marriage for the first time for real in 17yrs! Yep I’m the hide and not seek gold medal winner.
Life is being turned upside down yet again and I’m a planner without a solid plan. That leaves me fearful.
Loss of income, health insurance and security. Things that I value in, but have no control over. Thank you Uncle Sugar (Uncle Sam).
In my mind I’m running to and fro screaming “the muthfuckin’ sky is fallin’ ya’ll don’t see it? Why you just standing around…run muthafuckas run!” I’ve learned to quiet that screaming with prayer and positive self talk AND forward motion. Running around like a crazy chicken is not going to change whatever is going to happen. I had to check my faith. I was so shaky in my faith I felt shame. So I prayed, not everyday. But I prayed when I heard that screaming, I was able to quiet it. Thank you Lord. Such a blessing.
I’m working on my MPA again fear. The fear that I am not smart enough, that no one will hire me and pay me for my talents (hell what are my talents). I keep working through that fear, because to ignore gives it fire and passion. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day closer.
Everyday I can tell myself…Be Not Afraid.