So Mama has this thing…

Standard

I talked to the youngest two today.  It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed. 

I told them that I love them far and wide.  Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does.  My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.

I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love.  I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.

I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know.  Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby  boy was only 3yrs old.  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.  This is how they know me.  This is how they will remember me.  

I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s