I talked to the youngest two today. It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed.
I told them that I love them far and wide. Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does. My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.
I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love. I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.
I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know. Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby boy was only 3yrs old. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms. This is how they know me. This is how they will remember me.
I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.