My sister has plans to become a drug and alcohol counselor. We come from humble beginnings but are meant for great endings and I’m so proud of her!
She is my very best friend and I am better for having her as a steady support in my life (hard to believe we weren’t close growing up)
She currently runs a clinic for Veterans. We talk often about how the government doesn’t do enough for them.
Last night we talked about motherhood and PTSD. My PTSD. I was diagnosed in 2003 after my last deployment. I have put off treatment for 10yrs just getting by and surviving. I am now seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist. I refuse to medicate myself for mood issues. I tried that before and those meds just killed my spirit. So it’s a long road to navigate.
I feel guilt for not being strong enough NOT to have PTSD. Though I had a weapon pointed at me, my deployment was much less violent than those who have continued to serve. It makes me feel weak to know I can not get back to the me I was before that deployment. I feel like that person wasn’t perfect, but I kind of liked her. I am now without feeling most of the time. I have moments of break through but they aren’t nearly enough to make me feel like me.
My sister says I should tell my children about my PTSD so that they understand that it’s me not them. I cried during that part of our phone call. I don’t mind telling them about my disability, I am just broken at the thought that they may have damage because I am damaged. That makes me angry and very sad.
I have to pick a time and place. My hope is that my babies know that I love them. I have found those things I can no longer express in words, I will put pen to paper and show my love.
These are not the terms I wanted for motherhood, but this is where I am.