Coming to these terms…


My sister has plans to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  We come from humble beginnings but are meant for great endings and I’m so proud of her!

She is my very best friend and I am better for having her as a steady support in my life (hard to believe we weren’t close growing up)

She currently runs a clinic for Veterans.  We talk often about how the government doesn’t do enough for them.

Last night we talked about motherhood and PTSD.  My PTSD.  I was diagnosed in 2003 after my last deployment.  I have put off treatment for 10yrs just getting by and surviving.  I am now seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist.  I refuse to medicate myself for mood issues.  I tried that before and those meds just killed my spirit.  So it’s a long road to navigate.

I feel guilt for not being strong enough NOT to have PTSD.  Though I had a weapon pointed at me, my deployment was much less violent than those who have continued to serve.  It makes me feel weak to know I can not get back to the me I was before that deployment.  I feel like that person wasn’t perfect, but I kind of liked her.  I am now without feeling most of the time. I have moments of break through but they aren’t nearly enough to make me feel like me.

My sister says I should tell my children about my PTSD so that they understand that it’s me not them.  I cried during that part of our phone call.  I don’t mind telling them about my disability, I am just broken at the thought that they may have damage because I am damaged.  That makes me angry and very sad.

I have to pick a time and place.  My hope is that my babies know that I love them.  I  have found those things I can no longer express in words, I will put pen to paper and show my love.

These are not the terms I wanted for motherhood, but this is where I am.


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