I’m in therapy. What started out as couples counseling to save my marriage turned into individual counseling to help me through my PTSD and sexual issues.
I like my counselor. She’s a beast. Calling me on my bullshit and pushing me to the edge.
I’m struggling. I look at my life and I feel so lonely. I look at the mister and I wonder when he’s going to hurt me next. I think of all my missteps and mistakes. iStruggle.
And I drink. Not everyday, but when I drink I drink to escape. I cry alone and wonder how to fix it. I’m spinning.
My counselor says I need to affair proof my marriage and I often think how I can do that. I try to be what I think the mister needs me to be, but beside fucking him and feeding him… I’m at a loss. I try to do those things but the pain remains. I try to remain grateful for the blessings that are my life, but some days I feel so very alone it’s painful.
It would be nice to talk to him, but I can’t. I feel weak and needy. I feel like I am not “that bitch” you know the chick that had her stuff to together and knew it.
I feel alone and afraid. I hate it.
I want to be me again.
I don’t know where to go from here, but until I figure it out…I’ll drink to that.