I’ll drink to that…

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I’m in therapy.  What started out as couples counseling to save my marriage turned into individual counseling to help me through my PTSD and sexual issues.

I like my counselor.  She’s a beast.  Calling me on my bullshit and pushing me to the edge.

I’m struggling.  I look at my life and I feel so lonely.  I look at the mister and I wonder when he’s going to hurt me next.  I think of all my missteps and mistakes.  iStruggle.

 

And I drink.  Not everyday, but when I drink I drink to escape.  I cry alone and wonder how to fix it.  I’m spinning.  

My counselor says I need to affair proof my marriage and I often think how I can do that.  I try to be what I think the mister needs me to be, but beside fucking him and feeding him… I’m at a loss.  I try to do those things but the pain remains.  I try to remain grateful for the blessings that are my life, but some days I feel so very alone it’s painful.

It would be nice to talk to him, but I can’t.  I feel weak and needy.  I feel like I am not “that bitch”  you know the chick that had her stuff to together and knew it.

I feel alone and afraid.  I hate it.

I want to be me again.  

I don’t know where to go from here, but until I figure it out…I’ll drink to that.

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