I am emotionally all over the place. For the life of me I can’t focus on the tasks ahead. Packing, planning, school, kids…I know I need to take it one day at a time, but I just feel off kilter. One week I’m planning a life for me and my kids sans the mister and other weeks I’m questioning my “right” to do that. *sigh* I feel so flighty and jumbled. I look at all the boxes sitting around this house and wonder…”where the fuck am I going?”
School starts monday and I’m not giving that ANY attention right now. I just can’t. I’ll become too overwhelmed and spaz out. I KNOW I need to take it one task, one day at a time. I KNOW when crunch time comes I will do what I NEED (not want ) to do.
So many thoughts in my mind they are bumping into each other. Is this MY opportunity to break free of the mister and start my life over? Am I a true bitch for even thinking about this? Don’t I have a right to choose the path that gives me some peace? Will this give me peace? Why can’t I fix this? Am I running away? Is forgiveness not in me? Why do I feel like I have to learn to harness my emotions while he still doesn’t have to share his? Is HE really willing to put in the work? Why don’t I have more faith in him? Why do I feel he’s not worth the risk after ALL this time? Why didn’t my mother call my daughter for her birthday? Why am I not mad at her anymore?
I need meds.