There is a song by Rascal Flatts that says “maybe forgiveness is some where down the road” That lyric sticks in my head. I know I am not there, no matter how much I think I am…I am not.
The mister and I went to a going away for one of his friends tonight…there were laughs and good times all around…but the mister didn’t say much at all(which is unusual for him in THIS crowd). Didn’t seem to be having a good time. His loss I suppose. I guess at this point I need to be able to separate what is negative in my mind and what is negative in real life. He seemed real uncomfortable to be there…with me. Which may be completely MY interpretation but it felt real to me. I still had a good time and made a quick exit as the crowd dwindled down.
If therapy has taught me anything it’s I WILL survive, not that I doubted that but it’s been reinforced in my mind.
The mister will leave for school in January. I’m happy for him…FOR HIM. I have started to separate myself from him in ways I didn’t realize before, I see them now. A self preservation preparation of sorts. He wants me to have a new car, I keep telling him I’m happy with the one I have. The truth is I know when I decide to make my move having a vehicle that is paid off will work in my favor. Selling the house and putting the money into saving and renting when we move means the money can be split equally between us both. Paying off all of the bills in the next 6mths means we will be relatively debt free. While I cheerlead him with one hand ,I’m making sure I’m as free of him as I can be when I can’t take this anymore(which will probably fall around May or June of next year).
I am done with couples counseling, but I will do what the therapist advised me to…think through my feeling and don’t show him everything I’m feeling
I will never trust this man…hell any man. I’m weary of trying so hard to make this work. To wonder silently if I’m being played for a fool again. To be with someone who I don’t trust and who shouldn’t trust me.
The truth is I should have left 2.5yrs ago