You can not love without taking a risk *sigh*

Should have seen THAT bus coming.  Therapy was a ragefest with me telling the mister I really don’t trust him to lead our family…yeah that didn’t go over well.  He ain’t gonna never let that shit go…NEVAH!

He made some REALLY poor choice a few years back…REALLY POOR…more than one and on more than one occasion.  To clear his own heart and mind he told me about some of the choices and omitted others.  When I asked if there were any other secrets…you guessed it he lied.   Secrets were revealed and we’ve been trying to make our way back for 2.5yrs now.  *sigh*

I told the therapist I have fear about him making choices that will  negatively impact our life.  I mean that shit, don’t know how I can change feeling that way.  Her advice was to make the CHOICE to trust him.  Love is not without risk.  Well ain’t she smart with all those degrees!

I did bring up subject of his shutting me out, guess who’s not allowed to do that anymore?  Guess who will struggle with being open and emotional from now on…well it’s not me.

For so long the mister has made my emotions seem like a weakness, well emotions are a part of life and shutting down is no longer an options.  I guess this is a score for the both of us.  It’s a win win.  He gets to see it’s harder then he thinks stepping outside your own safety zone (as I have been trying and failing to do as of late) and I get to know what he’s REALLY feeling for a change.  Hmmm…this should be interesting.

I have to make the choice EVERYDAY, EVERY FUCKING DAY to trust that he’s not going to fuck up.  I have to trust MYSELF enough to let go of the control I’ve been trying to maintain and love this man without reservation…Hmmm yeah ummm okay.  Now that’s going to be hard.

Still not sure I’m going back to COUPLES counseling…haven’t made another appointment.  *sigh*

Is it wrong I still want to kick him in the balls?  Yeah it probably is.


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