There are times I feel like it’s one step forward two steps back. Today I find myself longing for…a percentage. Not so long ago I found a strength I didn’t know I had. The ability to look at myself and put myself first. I don’t feel like fighting any more I’m simply worn out…tired. Tired of hurt feelings and short tempers (on both sides). I am a warrior, who goes to battle with a wounded heart. A tired heart. I find myself thinking the unthinkable and I feel a tightness in my chest. I know everything has a price, nothing is ever really free. I feel like I’m paying with my soul.
The strength I feel from changes I have made in my life are making me feel like I’m strong enough to make other changes. I’m so tired. Tired of the silence, tired of my soul being held hostage ,tired of a heart unfulfilled. Soul weary. Even a heavy weight fight has a end in sight. I may never be fully healed, I may never be able to be who he needs to be. Every day I see clearer that it’s not all on me. He’s fucked up too, just in his own way. We have been in therapy and so focused on my 1/2 self he’s been able to completely mask his own shit. I don’t feel like he’ll ever be unguarded or exposed wide open.
As much as I love him, I know now that I have to love me more. I have to save me. I feel like he’s trying to “kill” me sometimes. Playing on my weakness. I simply refuse to be played by him or anyone else.
He wanted to talk to today, but you know he really just wanted me to listen. I heard him loud and clear…and when it came time to play my part…I “forgot” my lines and told him the way he felt was valid and I wouldn’t discount how he felt, but I simply see things differently. *end scene*
He asked if we were simply going to hold in our feelings and wait until therapy Thursday. Which was his way of putting me on notice that my “shortcomings” would be a topic of discussion. I’m a fucking warrior bitch…you.ain’t.scaring.me.
I’m really contemplating ending couples therapy on Thursday. I’m tired of being on display…like I’m the only damaged one here. I like the therapist and I think I’ll see her on my own, I know I need help mending me. I just don’t think I want to go through this with the mister as a spectator.
Never know what can be used against you in a court of law.