Maybe today…

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I wanted him to make a decision about our future.  It would happen quickly and I would miss my opportunity to have input because my cell phone was on vibrate AND it was the middle of the night for me (day sleeper).

I’m not the least bit upset that he applied for this new job.  I’m happy he finally made a decision and started the ball rolling.

Now he has been approved to move on from this job in Dec. and move onto the new one, which means another base, probably in another state far far away.  We have been trying to get back to the east coast for a long time.  It would seem the things that looked like minuses this year were actually pluses.  Blessing dressed up as disappointment.

I’m trying to hold it together now that we know it’s official.  A few more details to tuck away and he’s on his way.

I don’t know if we (read:I’m) strong enough to survive this separation.  I know love does not guarantee loyalty.  I know things can fall apart quickly and I’m afraid.  Afraid of losing my husband, afraid of losing our family.

Yesterday for a little while I gave into that fear.  Turning into that 9yr old little girl who felt as if she didn’t matter and wasn’t worthy.  I’m trying to keep the positive self talk within that loop of fear.  I wasn’t successful yesterday, but I will try to be today.

Even with all that we have been through I’m still not safe and sure within his love.  That is very sad.  I don’t know how to articulate how I feel without hurting him or making HIM feel inadequate.

I’m trying to heal the wounds of my childhood.  I’m trying to see myself in a healthier way.

Maybe that will happen today.

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