those people

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I don’t want to be one of those people.  The one who lives in the past…wallowing in what could have been, what should have been.  I don’t want to blame someone else for the insecurities I have lived with all of my life.  The eating of feelings, the battle with trying to comfort myself.  I’m still trying to work through things.  Trying not to wallow.  I have been so very blessed, with the mister and just my life in general.  I want to cry and scream and point fingers, but I won’t because what’s done can not be re-lived and done again.

I don’t know what my life would have been had I had different influences. I had I known the truth.  Would my mother giving me to my dad and step mom changed me for the better?  I won’t live in those thoughts, because we all come into adulthood with issues.  Had I been with my father full-time I would simply have another set of issues.

So I will work through the issues I have now, trying to heal those old wounds with the information I have been given.

I have not allowed myself to think about my mother now knowing my true history has continued to push me further away from a mother’s love.  I understand a mother wanting her child, but I have in my years of being a mother did what was best for my CHILDREN even when I didn’t think I wanted those things for myself.

When J was 4 and I joined the air force;  I left him with his father, with the intent on leaving in a place that was safe and familiar for HIM.  My mother was livid and didn’t understand how I could leave him.  I told her my baby was mine no matter where he was, BUT as his mother I had to do what was best for HIM not what felt good for me as his mother.  I did not want to take him away from everything he loved and knew in his small world because I was his mother.  I did not want to take him away from his village.  My love for him as a mother, put HIS needs first no matter what ANYONE thought.  J eventually came to live with me, but if he would have been better off with his father I was prepared to put him first.  That is what mother’s do.

So now I am here in these moments…hurt, tearful, angry, sad, and tired.

I truly see now, I drank my mother’s kool-aid.  I believed her lies and her omissions.  She has been self absorbed and selfish for much longer than I knew.  And that pisses me off.  I know I can’t change it, but for right now it’s making me ill.

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