I don’t want to be one of those people. The one who lives in the past…wallowing in what could have been, what should have been. I don’t want to blame someone else for the insecurities I have lived with all of my life. The eating of feelings, the battle with trying to comfort myself. I’m still trying to work through things. Trying not to wallow. I have been so very blessed, with the mister and just my life in general. I want to cry and scream and point fingers, but I won’t because what’s done can not be re-lived and done again.
I don’t know what my life would have been had I had different influences. I had I known the truth. Would my mother giving me to my dad and step mom changed me for the better? I won’t live in those thoughts, because we all come into adulthood with issues. Had I been with my father full-time I would simply have another set of issues.
So I will work through the issues I have now, trying to heal those old wounds with the information I have been given.
I have not allowed myself to think about my mother now knowing my true history has continued to push me further away from a mother’s love. I understand a mother wanting her child, but I have in my years of being a mother did what was best for my CHILDREN even when I didn’t think I wanted those things for myself.
When J was 4 and I joined the air force; I left him with his father, with the intent on leaving in a place that was safe and familiar for HIM. My mother was livid and didn’t understand how I could leave him. I told her my baby was mine no matter where he was, BUT as his mother I had to do what was best for HIM not what felt good for me as his mother. I did not want to take him away from everything he loved and knew in his small world because I was his mother. I did not want to take him away from his village. My love for him as a mother, put HIS needs first no matter what ANYONE thought. J eventually came to live with me, but if he would have been better off with his father I was prepared to put him first. That is what mother’s do.
So now I am here in these moments…hurt, tearful, angry, sad, and tired.
I truly see now, I drank my mother’s kool-aid. I believed her lies and her omissions. She has been self absorbed and selfish for much longer than I knew. And that pisses me off. I know I can’t change it, but for right now it’s making me ill.