Went to a therapy session with the mister today. Ended up talking about my mom for most of the session. *sigh* I told straight forward lady(sfl) our therapist about my mom and my visit to Va. She told me that behind my anger was probably another emotion, she was so right…there is a heart full of sadness when it comes to my mother. It wasn’t always this way, there was a time when she was sane and kind of normal. There was time when she was the homeroom mother, the birthday party throwing mom, the involved grandmother. There was a time.
I guess it really comes down to the fact that it’s going to take some work on my part to get past this sadness and anger. It’s going to take work for me to get to my healing. I don’t want to do that work. It’s just easier and feels better to be angry. As long as I don’t jump into this pain head first I can hold onto to some hope that my mother will be my mother again.
What happens if I do all this work and I lose the one thing I have left…hope.
My mission is to write a letter to my mother, to express to her how I feel and what I would *like* from her. Then leave it at that and let her know my door is always open.
Angry feels safer right now.