I haven’t really talked about my mom since I got back from the east coast. Umm… that would be because I haven’t talked to her since I returned from Va.
While the mister and I are in therapy for us, our therapist recognized my need for some one on one couch time. I’m working through some issues so I can be a healthier version of me.
Growing up I was the odd man out. I mean really odd. My mother made sure I knew I wasn’t “normal” but she loved me anyway. I was a geeky little kid. I would read books for hours and then go outside to find bugs and climb trees. My mom and my big sis were really close growing up. I envied that until years later I realized she was doing so much emotional damage to my sister, I was getting off lucky.
My mother’s “abuse” (I still can’t see it as abuse even though logically I know it is) was emotional. She would call me fat and black (I have always been the darkest one in my ENTIRE family). There were times she would tell me I made her not like me. I think I was around 8 or 10 the first time that happened. She hated (loved) my father so much that she would say really awful things about him. Then go on to tell me I looked and acted just like him. Typical dysfunctional baby mama stuff.
I’m trying to work through and become a better mother to my own children. I find myself emotionally distant from them because in my mind I don’t want to get to close and hurt them. I know it doesn’t make logical sense but for me it makes emotional sense.
I spent the week with my mother and she started her emotional dysfunction the very first day. She wanted to go home! Woooooooow. She wanted to change her ticket, which by the way my sister had to navigate the ticket sites to help her find. She remained withdrawn and sullen the entire trip. Opting out of laughing and joking with the family instead she either sat away from us or in her room watching T.V. She didn’t start livening up until the day before we left. She was then very vocal about going to her OWN house and how she couldn’t wait to get home. I was pissed and ignored her. My sister was devastated and angry. It has taken her over 20yrs to obtain her degree and our mother was so wrapped up in her own issues she could make it about someone besides herself for just one week.
She asked my nephew(who has dealt with past drug addiction) to find her some weed. I mean c’mon! Really? Who does that?
The therapist has told me I need to stop judging my mother and work on forgiveness. Until I am able to lay the judgment aside I will always be stuck in the place of anger and resentment. I get that, but I don’t yet have the tools emotionally achieve that milestone. I have simply opted to remove my mother from my life this is easier and harder all at the same time. Sometimes I don’t know what is real and what is my anger and resentment.
I sat between my mother and my Auntie G at church on mother’s day. My mother became emotional and fell to pieces. I couldn’t comfort her. I just sat there like I was some place, any place else. My sister came from the front of the church to help her. I still didn’t move. When the pastor instructed us to kiss and hug our mothers because we were blessed to have them here on this earth, I hugged and kissed her. She told me she loved me, I said I loved her too.
I love my mother, but I can’t have her close to me. My anger has taken the place of my compassion. I can’t stand the person she has become (possibly the person she has been all along). I am angry at her for being ill-equipped and self-absorbed (some thing I believed I inherited from her…shit!). I have asked her for years to take care of herself, to get mammograms and regular check ups…her reply to those requests…if I’m sick I don’t want to know. Woooooow.
For the moment I have resigned myself to the fact that I can’t manage a relationship with her right now. I have simply stepped back and tried to gain some perspective through distance. I’m hurting and angry and I don’t know if I’m willing to change.