Daily Archives: March 25, 2010

My lump lump


I’m trying really hard to keep my focus.  I had my vajayjay/girly exam yesterday.  I love my nurse practitioner (NP).  She thorough and she listens more than any other provider I have ever had. 

She did my breast exam yesterday…first the left breast and then my right one… she was chatting me up, which is her usual M.O.  when she examined the right breast for the 2nd time I saw the look on her face.  Then she stop talking to me and started talking to herself. “..it doesn’t appear to be on the chest wall…(pause)…it’s the size of a marble.”   more examining (3rd then a 4th time).  Then she asked me if it was tender or hurt at all…NOPE..no pain in the boobie. (this is one of the few instances where pain is a GOOD sign)

She then told me it was probably nothing…guess she could see the terror in my eyes.  She wrote up an order for a diagnostic mammogram.  Which means she (well the radiologists) needs to look at something specific. 

I have a close family history of breast cancer (my mom) and an extended family history of cancer in the rest of my family.  I’m scared. 

I’ve had baseline mammograms going back the past 3yrs(because my NP is thorough she said I needed baseline mammograms so the docs would have something to compare if/when I every developed something out of the ordinary…see she super with it!).  So this lump is something new.  I’m really scared.  Went to the lab got my annual work up and then went to school. 

My mind wandered and I thought of what this could mean for my family’s life.  What it would mean for my 5yr plan.  Would I be here in five years?  Dramatic?  Yes, but I thinking these things at lightening speed.

I told the mister when I got home.  He hugged me and told he’s here no matter what.  I told him how scared I was, how I didn’t want to think about it but I couldn’t stop it from running through my mind.

The doc’s office had already called to schedule my mammogram.  I called them back and scheduled it for next Tuesday.  I called them back this morning and scheduled it for tomorrow morning 830 am.  I can’t wait.  The sooner I get the mammogram the sooner I will know.

I haven’t prayed about this a whole lot.  I feel like God isn’t going to STOP me from having cancer, but I will pray for strength for whatever comes next.  I will pray that we remain strong and intact no matter what.

What will this mean for my baby girl.  If I do have breast cancer, she has 2 generations of history before the age of 40.

I’m so very scared, but for this moment I am strong and healthy.

Seems silly but I thought about losing my locs, I’m more worried about losing them then my breasts.  LOL!  See how silly I am? 

I’ve been scared silly.

Pray for me.