Somene should really move that fucking fan!

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The mister and I had it out this afternoon.  In the parking lot of his office for all the world to see.  He pushed and he pushed so I let shit go and it hit the fan.

I’ve been emotionally distant and non emotional for a while.  He wanted to go to therapy and I originally agreed until I REALLY thought about what therapy meant.  Opening up a rotting festering wound.  I know what is going to be said, I need to let it go.  I need to heal and move on.  Yeah like I don’t know THAT.  On a logical level I know I should be healing.  I know that, but on an emotional level I am just stuck.  I talked to my BFF and my sister asking for advice.  Advice I didn’t need but just wanted to hear anyway.  I have to let go and/or move on.  Leave the mister or open myself up to a new way of life with the mister.  I know THAT.

I explained it to my big sis this way…imagine if someone told you to hold your hand over an open flame (stay with me I really do have a point) they wanted you to trust that the pain you would endure would help you in the long run, but you have no guarantees (yeah I know that’s life) that you won’t just end up even more damaged and scarred.  Holding your hand over that flame would take every bit of strength you possess AND faith in the one holding the flame.  The same person who had once promised that EXACT thing, but in the end they just burned you…badly.  That is how I feel at this moment.  I feel I need to keep ME safe, to hold it all together and keep the mister at a distance that is safe for me.  I see his struggle, but I can’t allow myself to be caught off guard.  I MUST stay on guard to survive, but in doing this I am not living, I am not loving.  I am just here.

I have a long history with trust (rather mistrust), starting with my parents (yeah those kinds of issues) and it took me YEARS to fully trust the mister.  He knows my FULL history and he knows I am a “wall builder”.    I learned that survival technique before I started elementary school.  Never take someone at their word, even if they love you they will eventually hurt you(words or deeds).  I learned those lessons early.  My mother sprinkled in her mantra “never trust a man, they ain’t shit” for good measure.  The sad part is she really truly believed she was teaching us the right way to be in a relationship.  It took me YEARS to get her mantra out of my head.  There are times when the voice is still a soft chant.

The mister wants help tearing down that wall.  The one he gave me the bricks and motar to build.  He’s holding the flame and he wants me to step out on faith.  Maybe I should us that fan to blow out the flame.

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3 responses »

  1. You know what? You don’t know what therapy is going to be like. Yes you’ve had the experience(s) before about being told you need to move on or heal, but if you knew HOW to do that, I have no doubt that you would have. So perhaps you can pose that very question in therapy, the HOW to do what you feel you need to do.

    Know that I’m rooting for your ultimate healing because as difficult as it is to break hold habits, I really do believe that people can learn knew ones and ways of relating to the world. And it’s hard and it’s frustrating and we backslide a thousand times. But ultimately it’s for our own peace of mind, not for anyone else. They can go to God for mercy.

    All in love, Sis. It’s ALL about love.

  2. When you asked him to go to Therapy, he went. He REALLY did not want to go, but he went. I feel that you at least owe him a try. It is free…so, I know price it not the issue. I am sure you believe it works since everyone seems to partake (‘cept little Lady). Give it another go and see how it pans out. You never know until you try and try it again…(((HUGS))).

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