I think he’s trying to hurt me on purpose. He hasn’t spoken to me…in any real sense since Friday. I understand I was wrong to assault him, well I do and I don’t. I felt I was protecting our child and in a sense protecting the mister from catching a case for beating the teenagers ass. (I talked to the teenager today…it was all business…things will get better I suppose)
So the mister has gone on a passive aggressive excursion. I can see what he’s doing but it doesn’t stop it from hurting. I’m hurting. I did one the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life…put our child in the street. I would like for someone to hold me, to offer warmth and comfort. He won’t even talk to me. I feel like I’m holding my shit together with “gum and lint”.
He’s doing shit just out of spite. He NEVER picks up the kids from after school care UNLESS it’s preplanned or I CALL him and ask him to grab them…guess who picked the kids up from after school care…the mister…guess who didn’t get a call…ME. So I stop studying and drag my ass to the church to pick them up…they weren’t there. Time wasted, but I managed NOT to rant like an idiot. Calmly asked him why he didn’t give me a heads up? His response…well you DIDN’T call me to pick them up so I just went ahead and did it. *sigh*
Then he decides to pick up dinner…no phone call to see if I had cooked (which I hadn’t but HE didn’t know that) and no phone call to see if I had an opinion on what to get (if he’s picking up dinner…he will usually call to see if I’ve cooked or see if I have a preference on what we should eat).
He comes to bed later than usual and he seems to ALWAYS have to shift the blankets (pulling and tugging) and moving around before he settles in…so if I’m sleep, I’m not sleep for long.
No more morning kiss before he’s out the door, no more texts during the day, no more lunch invites, no more I love yous. Seems if life after Friday is quite different.
He’s been pissy since I got back from my Grandfather’s funeral. Didn’t even greet me after I returned.
BL says he just needs to rub his hurt pussy and let shit go. While I laughed at that, I thought how different things would be if HE had hit ME?!
I told KC my heart just isn’t where it should be. I have never gotten over his disregard for me, for us. His blatant fishing for ass(even though he denies it), the Article he caught…all of it.
So I’m standing alone, trying to sort it all out. Trying to concentrate on what I need to get done.
I’m working the numbers and trying to figure out if I can stand on my own financially for the next 18mths until I graduate. Working the figures as to what I will need to move back to N.C.
Trying to get up the nerve to sit in a lawyers office and say out loud “I want the hurting to stop, I give up, I can’t take anymore…make it stop please”
Divorce. Dont’ know if I’m strong enough to say that out loud