Coward

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It’s been a strange couple of days for me and mister.  We’ve been doing this dance of silence and movement.  I’ve been really snippy and difficult, can’t put my finger on exactly why.  There are so many things going on in the background.  I just can’t express it all.

I don’t know how to tell him that WE will never be the same.  I can no longer fake the smile, the laugh, the appearance of a couple who is happily married.   Mayhaps that is what I’m trying to tell him in my own way.  I’m such a coward.

He went to hug me and I backed away from him so quickly I nearly fell down.  We say I love you everyday and as soon as I hear those words I’m thinking..oh really…you’re full of shit! But I say them just the same because I am not brave enough to say what I’m really feeling…meh

I don’t trust his motives, I don’t trust his word, I simply don’t trust the life that used to be.  The one that he is trying so hard force back into existence.  Most days I’m not angry, but most days I can’t even look at him.   It’s too exhausting to constantly wonder what happened and why it happened and is it still happening?

I’m disturbed by his lack of drive, I married a man who wanted the finer things in life, now I have man who is content to stay just where he is and allow me to bring those finer things to him.  That disturbs me, I haven’t been able to put those feelings into words for him.

As I write this I can see now what I’m doing.  I did the same thing with my ex so many years ago.  If you push hard enough eventually things give way and then you can begin the process of picking up the pieces.  I’m a good cleaner-upper.  A blatant messer-upper I am not.  Yep, still a coward.

I didn’t want to be that crazy wife, the one who checks the phone, has a stank attitude, and gives a side eye to every chick who is in the vacinity of her man.  So I tell myself I don’t care, I tell myself to be prepared for the other shoe to drop.  I’m in a perpetual state of wait for it…

I’m waiting for him to break my heart again so I can go about the business of cleaning up his mess.  Did I mention I’m a big fat coward?   The flaw in that plan is when you’re waiting on something you really aren’t in the present.  You’re not enjoying life in this moment.  I have a plan to remedy that, Imma do me.  Finding joy and living in those moments, however small.

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