Time and Change

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My Thanksgiving was a good one.  Spent time with my family, drank, ate and laughed myself silly.

The only dark spot in my day was my Mom.  I don’t know why I’m waiting for her to change.  To show some real interest in me and my family.  She’s all noise and silliness, but no real substance.

Again this year she was absent even though we were in the same room.  I can’t explain the feeling of disgust I feel when she pulls her usual self absorbed stuff.  You only get one mother and this is the one I have, not sure what I’m supposed to do with her.  I keep hoping time will bring about change.  I don’t expect me and my family to be the center of HER universe.  I understand that mother and grandmother aren’t number one and two on her list of things going on in her life, but it would be nice if she said more than hello and asked the customary” how is school are you being good?” questions that kids get asked at every holiday.

It’s a mind game because I often wonder if she’s feeding off of my negative vibes.  I try really hard not to judge her, but most times her fuckery is beyond what I can deal with without thinking “this shit is not right!”

I am a snob when it comes to my mother and the life she has chosen to live.  It’s below her (and me) and I can’t abide her being less than she allowed me to be growing up.  Perhaps this problem is mine, not hers.  Am I mad because of who she’s become or am I being self absorbed and wondering if I’m more like her than I want to admit?  Maybe THAT’S why I’m digusted.

I miss my Mom, I know time brings change.  I get that, but I’m just hoping that eventually things will get better.

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