I don’t know where my mind is at right now. The Mister is headed to the east coast for two weeks and I’m really trying hold to on and not lose my shit…again.
I know he wants to see his brother who has just returned from Iraq, but he’s also going to see his gofornothing bio-dad and that shit is irritating me to no end. I know it’s not his bio-dad’s fault that once upon a time the Mister tried to use a trip to visit him as a cover for his shady shit, but I don’t like him anyways so that’s not helping.
I didn’t say anything to him about how I feel about this trip, but it’s hard to be married to someone you don’t trust to cross the street most days. Add that to the timing of the trip (the week I start working with patients at the hospital) and you have very unhappy me.
I feel trapped, because I stayed. I feel trapped because I’m dealing with my own heart issues everyday. I feel trapped because everyone keeps telling what a good man I have (like some how I lucked up, hell I’m a good woman…for the most part). I feel trapped because after all this time has passed I’m not allowed to voice how I really feel (sad, scared, suspicious, and paranoid). If and when I do it’s met with resistance (and what I feel is very little understanding). All has been forgiven, right? I feel I’m not allowed to doubt him, to question him and that drives me crazy.
I’m not a perfect soul (gee imagine that). I don’t know how hard I’m trying to make like I don’t see him in a whole different light.
I’m just really sad that it has come to this. I feel really sad that I feel I will never look at him the same way again. I feel really sad that the heart wants what the heart wants.
I really need to take my soul to the laundromat.