I’ve been feeling rather blah lately. School is a real bummer and I feel like shit for feeling that way. All these folks keep talking about passion for nursing and I don’t have passion for it. Don’t get me wrong I want to be a nurse, I want to learn all there is to know and be a damn good one, but passion….nah…I gots none.
As I read one of my text books(I have over 20 of them this semester alone) the author made a point to say nursing is not a “calling” for a lot of very good nurses. I was happy to read that. This is something I have wanted for a long time and now my time has come. I love my skills lab work even though I’m nervous for about 3hrs straight but I leave the lab feeling rather good (and tired) most days.
I’m hearing the voice of my chem Prof in my head, some of the middle age MSN’s are really bitchy. I was told that being in a culture of middle aged and passed middle aged women would be tough for me ( I have a hard time letting bitchiness and bullshit slide) and I’m finding that these women tend be assholes. Now I’m not saying all of my instructors are this way, but I’m seeing a trend with a few of them, but for the most part I like my program.
I failed my first exam last week, it was about dosages and calculations, needed a 90 but got an 80. While I’m not happy about my score, I’m not all that disappointed either. I did my very best and the grade will stand even though I get 2 more chances at the 90. The problem comes in at this moment. Without that 90 I’m out of the program. YIKES. No pressure right? It doesn’t make me feel better that 98% of my class which is over 60 people didn’t pass either. I don’t want to be apart of the crowd I want to stand on my own.
I’m also seeing another problem that comes with being in a female dominated environment…petty whispering and side eyeing. Now I like a good side eye as much as the next person, but I see it this way I’m going to be in the program until late Spring 2011 GOD WILLING so I can’t get caught up in pettiness about who likes whom or how someone is getting on another’s nerves ALREADY. It’s week 3 out of over 100 weeks…c’mon ladies! I’m reserving judgment on folks because we are all stressed and nervous about this journey. We aren’t going to like each other, but being a professional is about seeing PAST yourself and getting this shit done and being civil. Now I’m not saying I won’t snap a bitch if she gets out of pocket, but I ain’t sweatin these beckies cuz I ain’t from ’round here. I don’t plan on making friends, my plan is to learn and succeed and get the fuck away from this town.
I’ve already had 2 people come to me talking ’bout other folks. I didn’t get pulled into that shit, didn’t ask not one question about who they were referring to, cuz in all honesty I simply don’t care enough about these chicks to let them into my head. I’m friendly, make lil jokey jokes, hell I do ME everyday, but this is not where I plan to be. If I make lifelong friends GREAT and if I don’t I will still have that degree and my ticket out of conservative assbackwards hick town. That’s my goal, everything else is just extra spring rolls!
I got one chick that is trying to make me her BFF (she’s 19) I’m going to try and let her down easy because I’m not feeling her like that. I don’t want her to get it twisted.
I can do this, I was made for this.
Pray for me.
Oh yeah, Thelma if you’re reading this, I love and miss you girl <sad face>