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We are at a crossroads.  It is truly consuming my daily thoughts.  He took this new job to provide me with the opportunity to have support while I pray and study my way through nursing school.

I know I’m facing one of the hardest academic journeys ever.  Of course life doesn’t go as planned.  He hates the job and it seems they hate him.  He failing and it’s stressing him out.  We recently found out that this new job will adversely affect his chance for promotion which pretty much means it a wrap for this job.

He is going to go back to his old job, which we know will deploy him in the next 6mths.  So much for support.

I’m caught between resentment and anger.  What about MY career?  What about the support I need?

There’s so much going on in my head and he keeps asking what I think, I told him I didn’t want him to be stressed out and he should do what he felt was best.  I knew that’s what he wanted me to say and a part of me really meant it.  I know what it’s like to HATE the thought of your job, to loathe every face you have to see on a daily basis.  I did that for two years, but I knew my career was over so promotion wasn’t a concern of mine.

It’s not just the support I’m concerned about, deployments are becoming longer and more frequent.  He also took this job to help us work on our marriage.  He was trying to redeem himself, to mend what he has broken.  We’re still working on us, but I can’t definitively say that our marriage will survive another deployment.  Yes I’m a military wife, but I’m also a realist.  I won’t be the same fool twice.  There is no forgiveness left for him when he fucks up again.  I’m not quite sure he believes me.  He should though, he really should.

I can’t imagine struggling with the kids alone through school only to find out he’s betrayed me again.  It almost destroyed me last time, but this time it (I) will destroy him.

That is where we are right now.  I feel like we are teetering on the edge, of what I’m not sure.

I’m scared and stressed.

I’m resenting the fact that once again I have to put us on MY shoulders.  There is no soft place for me to land.  I’m expected to just do it with little or no support.

I know there are women who complete nursing school without a partner, without help, but I have a partner even if right now I feel like it just me out here.

I remain prayerful and determined to do this.  In the end I may end up with my kids and a BSN.  Whatever I end up with will be God’s blessing for me.

I guess I’m struggling with my faith too right now, my plan is to pray through it and build my faith in God, in myself, and my marriage.

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4 responses »

  1. I’m with Joe, you’ve got a good plan.

    Is there an option for a third door anywhere? Something where he doesn’t deploy and can be home with you and the kids.

    Sounds like your not being COMPLETELY honest with him as well if your telling him things you think he wants to hear. You might have to just put it all on the line and hopefully you’ll both brain storm something that will work for you both…

  2. No other options for a non deployment job. Sucks but it’s the life we have chosen. Take the perks and the crap. I’ve been completely honest in the past and it just made him feel trapped and stressed. So I took the supportive route. Hoping if I give support I’ll get support.

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