So begins the end

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I’m in an emotional daze this morning.  I’m scared, angry and disappointed.  A part of me has always known that we weren’t equally suited.  I just felt that eventually maturity would develop in him and understanding would develop in me.

We just got our payday for him being gone last month. We discussed the places the money would go and though I wanted to have some us time over the coming holiday, we both decided it would go to pay off the bill of one of his “new shiny” items.  Made perfect sense to me.

I vaguely remember him mentioning a new line of  “new shiny” things he wanted to add to his current unused collection.  At the time I didn’t argue the fact because the items wouldn’t be available for 6 more months.  Not quite sure why I didn’t argue the expense at that time, but I’m sure I must have had my reasons.

Last night it all came to the foreground. He was set to buy the entire collection of new shiny and asked if I wanted to know the price.  I declined and continued to read the book I had gotten from the local library for FREE.  ( I love free hobbies).  He was insistent that I know, so when I finally heard the price…I was disgusted.  Yes it was that much.  I find it odd that he could plan in advance to spend this money, but when I wanted to spend a 1/4 of this amount on a girls’ weekend, he was hostile.

I asked him if he thought the amount was excessive, he said no.  I asked him about the arrangements we had for the money he was going to use to buy his current new shiny.  He didn’t seem at all concerned that he changed plans in midstream…leaving me treading water.  I reminded him that we have J’s fall tuition, and the bike payment, the credit card payment, the bike insurance, the TV payment,J’s braces, J’s surgery and J’s laptop payment.  Again there was no concern.

I then asked him when it would stop, when would really put a plan into action to clear our debt and save for trip we both could enjoy.  He then told me it would ALWAYS be something.  He would always want something new and shiny.

I went mute.  I couldn’t even scream.  In those 30 seconds the light came on.  Something in me said “this is your life” and another voice replied “no. no it’s not”  Even after I regained my voice, I didn’t scream and I didn’t yell.   I told him to do as he pleased.  I got up and went to the bathroom and cried.  No need to add my tears to the situation, nothing to be gained by that.

I know what I want for my life.  I have always known he had different life goals, he’s willing to settle (or at least what I see as settling).  Hell maybe he even settled for me.

He wants things, I want experiences.  He wants to just get by, and I want to have a safety net.  I’m willing to wait for the things I enjoy, he wants it all right now.  I can’t live paycheck to paycheck when I know those paychecks are plenty to make our dreams come true. We simply have different dreams

I’m not sure if we need to go back to counseling, I really don’t think he wants to change, in his mind there is nothing wrong with living like this.  That’s the saddest thing of all.  We are not young broke married people anymore.  I refuse to live that life.

As much as I love him, I can’t continue to live my life like this.

The end has to begin some where.

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