We talked today about us.
It was a rocky night last night. I turned down his offer of penis and pouting ensued.
This morning he laid buried under the comforter while I got the kids ready and took Jah to tutoring. Instead of heading to campus 3 hrs early I went home to share what was on my mind.
When I told him last night how I felt about his impending departure it didn’t go well.
It has been a year since we fell apart. This is our first true test of the “new” us.
What those around me don’t understand is where I stand right now.
In the beginning it was a everyday struggle to look at the one who had betrayed me. It was difficult to step out on faith and love. Love I often didn’t feel. It was even more difficult to take my share of the blame. I didn’t want to be the victim but I am my mother’s child and I played that role well. I didn’t want to be that person. The hardest part for me in all of this, I OVERSTOOD why, I OVERSTOOD a heart’s desire to be in love and share that love without fear or responsibility. I live with it everyday.
So this morning we talked, I cried and he talked and I cried some more. It wasn’t a blame session, just both of sharing where we are at and where we would like to go.
He told me he didn’t understand how someone with a such a creative mind (GASP! he noticed) couldn’t use that to push through all of the bad feelings and create, in my mind, the place I wanted us to be.
I explained to him that with my history (EXTREME trust issues…thanx Mom!) that when we fell apart every fiber of my being screamed for protection, for safety. For me safety is self preservation, not being wide open and vulnerable. So in the beginning of our madness I had to fight against EVERYTHING I had been taught since I was old enough to understand what the women in my family were eye rolling and teeth sucking about.
So he understood I didn’t WANT to be this person, but as he put it, the fire he had created was now just slow burning embers…but even slow burning embers can destroy things in their path. So the fire isn’t raging anymore but he understands it still there.
Everything in its own time.
We will use time to guide us.