threehundredsixtysix days

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When I saw his wallet sitting on the entry way table, I got a knot in my stomach. You know that “oh shit” feeling you get and then you INSTANTLY have to go poop…yeah THAT one.

I was running late taking Jah to tutoring so I grabbed the wallet, my first class isn’t until 11 so I had time.

I had seen him in his PT gear this morning with back pack loaded for his shower at the gym, I knew where he was SUPPOSE to be.

This is the fear I often write about, how something as little as “that feeling” halts everything.

I talked to myself all the way to base, would today be the day it all came apart? I had already decided what I would do if he wasn’t where he was suppose to be…that would be the end.

I would let him have the house, move into a campus apartment and finish my degree. I would leave the kids with him, so they could stay in their school. When I was finished with school I would return to NC and buy a home for me and kids.

That was my plan.

I pulled up to the gym…he was walking from the track, I didn’t feel the relief I thought I would feel.

I felt…I don’t have any words for it.

I realized in those frantic moments our scars are deep and on days like today it still hurts. Both of us.

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5 responses »

  1. Girl…you are going to drive yourself crazy…(and me too):o) He is doing his thing…let him do it. Let him know that you still worry…but let him do “him”. I know this is always going to be on your mind…but hopefully, you can put it in the back…way back there…and hopefully one day, it will disappear. You 2 are meant to be…let it be.:o) Cool? Loves Yous!!!!:o)

  2. I’m trying hard to let him know I’m happy WE are still here. He’s trying really trying and I can appreciate that, but my mama ain’t raised no boo boo da fool! LOL! I always gots one eye open, my good eye! LOL!!

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