When I saw his wallet sitting on the entry way table, I got a knot in my stomach. You know that “oh shit” feeling you get and then you INSTANTLY have to go poop…yeah THAT one.
I was running late taking Jah to tutoring so I grabbed the wallet, my first class isn’t until 11 so I had time.
I had seen him in his PT gear this morning with back pack loaded for his shower at the gym, I knew where he was SUPPOSE to be.
This is the fear I often write about, how something as little as “that feeling” halts everything.
I talked to myself all the way to base, would today be the day it all came apart? I had already decided what I would do if he wasn’t where he was suppose to be…that would be the end.
I would let him have the house, move into a campus apartment and finish my degree. I would leave the kids with him, so they could stay in their school. When I was finished with school I would return to NC and buy a home for me and kids.
That was my plan.
I pulled up to the gym…he was walking from the track, I didn’t feel the relief I thought I would feel.
I felt…I don’t have any words for it.
I realized in those frantic moments our scars are deep and on days like today it still hurts. Both of us.