I don’t know how to tell him it’s not enough.

I try to think good thoughts, trying to put my best face forward, but at the end of day I still look at him as a person who is lacking.

He is not enough.

It’s been almost a year since he returned home and I’m happy he is safe and sound.  I know I can depend on him to take care of things that need to be handled,but it’s not enough.

He is lacking.  I look at him and try not to tear apart his attempts to be better, to do better, but it runs through my mind before I can catch it.

He is lacking.

My heart is not in this, I’m grateful for a man who loves his children, who isn’t running the streets, who is willing to turn his own world upside down for the sake of family.

In my mind I see someone who tried to destroy me, who wasn’t good enough at the games people play.

He is lacking.

Everyday he keeps trying. There are small moments when my heart feels for him, but those moments are truly rare.

I know to protect me now like never before.

Today he is lacking…me


2 responses »

  1. In this, you talk about all that he has done, all that he has turned upside down for you and the kids and the fact that he is not in the streets. Girl…open up the eyes…think of the alternative. Not a very good picture. You could be sitting at home, wondering whose bed he is crawling out of…or, buying MAC make up to cover up the latest black eye. Or how about explaining to your kids that their Dad really cannot stand them…and he is faking the funk? The alternative is NOT your reality. Wake up…give him a chance, if he does not get it quite right…give him another chance…he is doing it the best he knows how…and if you feel that he is not…(for whatever reason), tell him so. It is already obvious that he is willing to bend over backwards to make it right…for you. No more lacking…enough said. Cool? Muwah!

  2. Come home! LOL!!!

    I know you’re right, that is why I keep trying and I keep praying. Sometimes when you know what someone is capable of it scares the hell out of you. I just feel UGH! As for the black eye, shit I wish a ninja would… LOL!!!

    I know I’m blessed and I try to concentrate on that.

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