I probably need to call my therapist and get an appointment.

With J gone to the psych ward, I think I might just be treading water and not moving forward.

Went to visit my family this weekend and everyone kept giving me the side eye.

I’m not sure what I’m suppose to feel, but I am surprisingly calm.

Doing a WHOLE lot of self talk.  Trying to answer the little ones questions on where J is.

I didn’t tell them the truth, it’s too harsh and they are too young to digest suicide and depression.

Perhaps this is the calm before my storm.  I’m really not sure.

I am no longer angry with him, I realize this illness has to be handle head on.  Mama don’t pussy foot around, it’s not in my nature.

I’ll do the best I can and pray on the rest.


4 responses »

  1. this speaks to me. although i hinted at it in my blog a bit, i checked myself in during the beginning of september, after i found out i lost my job. no belts, no shoe laces, no drawstring pants – the whole 9 yards.

    and i was more ashamed than anything and more sorry for liberty because i felt like i was dragging her through my mud.

    although it doesn’t sound like you are, i hope you aren’t mad at yourself for not noticing or not helping, because you are helping. i wish my parents would have got me help when i was a kid. i did the same things, but my parents just told me that i needed to trust god more. so getting him help now is the right thing.

    liberty talked about that this weekend, about how i wished my parents would have gotten me help when i told them how i felt – i figure that 15 years of compounded grief is easier to deal with than 25 (which is when i finally rolled around to getting help for myself).

    but i’m babbling. and what i really want you to know is that i understand and that you are not alone in this. and i want to reassure you that what you are doing is right and that you do clearly care (despite the evil eye from the fam), and that he will thank you later. you will be in my thoughts and i’m sending hugs and love.

  2. Thanx giggle. I know he’s where he needs to be. I just want him to get better and come home.

  3. As someone who titters on the edge of reality let me say this about that. You gotta do whatever it takes to keep you sain. On the battle front that is your family, looks like you may be the only one left to lead. You go down, they all go down.

    You don’t impress me as the kind of person who’s afraid to take charge, so get it together, do what you have to do, and keep moving forward

    If one wants to get out of the rain, they have to start walking.

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