see

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There are moments I find myself shaky.  Moments where my heart and soul are tender in their need for reassurance. 

I have tried so hard to stay in my lane.  To allow you to live the life you have constructed.  I have to tried to stay safe for both of our sakes.

Tonight it was too much, too much anger, too much Jack Daniels, and too much frustration. After the final sip I found myself wanting, needing.  I knew no matter what I could count on you to talk me down.  To soothe me and not judge my tears.

I felt so safe just letting you in.  Even with the lies of the past, I still trust you with the most fragile and tender parts of me. I reached out to you because even after all this time you are my safe place.  

I tried to hold back my tears, I sobbed unsuccessful as I let them fall with no shame.

Your words to me “I see you.” I know this to be true.  You see me in a way no one else does.  Through your eyes I am not perfect, but I am more than my flaws.  I am simply me.  That me fills this you and we are the we that has evolved through pain, triumph, and love.

I reach for you in the only way I know how.  Open, wanting, wounded, and longing.

The best most loving part of you, reaches the best most loving part of me.

It is not perfect, but it is enough for us to be who we have become.  Two people in this world of billions who through a lens of love “see” each other.

Un-broken

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I have a sisterfriend who is working on her PhD in sociology. This blows my mind as I struggle to just get in gear to finish my masters thesis.

She is from a very small very religious conservative town. She has made her escape (her words not mine) and is pursuing her dream of being an educated woman changing the world.

She has suffered trauma at the hands of those who were suppose to love and protect her throughout her life. Family turned on her when she decided to follow her own path.

She is struggling with her history as her classes open up wounds from her history.

She stated she was broken.

I have been in therapy for a loooong time and I have said those same words, but it was pointed out to me that broken people don’t seek change, broken people are in fact broken and continue to stay in that state.

As I struggled with my PTSD I felt overwhelmed and weak, even though I saw myself as broken as I did the work to make LIFE work, I found that I was anything but broken. Life is not without struggle and pain, but as I see myself after accepting what has happened to me and not letting it BE me, I can now see I am most definitely…Un-broken.

And it is so…

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I’ve been in this relationship for quite some time.  I have failed at some things repeatedly and been successful in others.  

After the last misstep we were back in counseling working through our own shit individually and together.

At our last joint counseling session, I simply spoke my truth.  My soul was not being fed and I needed something more, something different.  I asked for what I felt I needed. I laid it out in plain words.  

The response I got was one of confusion.  The mister seemed confused that I had grown and changed and the things I needed in my 20s were no longer the things I wanted or needed in my 40s.

I’ve asked for several different things in this marriage and several times my requests have been met with resistance.  

I have tried time and again to give him what he needs, touch,sex, and food.  So he says, he is just that simple.  Cuddle me Fuck me Feed me.  For some time I have struggled to provide him these things at intervals that were acceptable to him.  When we married I was not a cuddler, nor a woman who loved/lived to cook.  Now I loved the sex part, because 20 years ago I was a horny devil!  The Mister says these are the things he needs to feel loved.  It’s not who I am or was but I made an effort.

So now as I work my own stuff out in counseling (we no longer go together) I’ve come to my own reality.  He simply will not give me the things I asked for.  I won’t get those things from him and he is not going to give it even when I ask for it.

I have tried not to be bitter or resentful.  There are people in this world who simply can not or will not step outside their comfort zone.

He will not step outside that zone for me, though I know he has done it for others.  Since he has made his choices, I have to make mine.

I have a good life, I will not surrender it and I will not allow my soul to remain unfed.  I will not allow myself to become a bitter bitch. 

My plan is to live my life and find sustenance for my soul elsewhere. 

Someone once told me it takes 3… I will find my third.

And it is so, some day soon my soul and my heart will be fed and sated.

First Thought

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Is it strange that I can remember the last time I felt I was a first thought.  I remember standing in that room fresh out of the shower looking in the mirror.  Starring at your reflection in the mirror as you stared at me.  You had done this, crashing into my world.  Trying to give me what I was unable to have…you…us.  

I remember the weight of your chin on my shoulder as you leaned in from behind me starring at my face in the mirror.  You leaned your head into mine and said “we are going to make a beautiful baby”.  Too many years, too late.

I remember the smell of you fresh from sleep, hot musky from your time on the road.

You came to me as soon as you were able, trading favors and goodwill to get on the road to simply be in my presence.  I knew in those few hours I mattered to you.  I was your first thought.  I ached so badly I couldn’t even give it words, breath, light.

Held close, you said all you ever wanted to do was sleep with me, to watch me unafraid and unguarded as I dreamed, hopefully of you, of us.  Something so simple.  You said it was a gift. A gift. 

Your gift to me?

Your first thought.

Grateful for homework

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There are many things I’m grateful for in life. I’ve learned through my struggles in therapy the way you process situations makes a huge difference in how they affect you.

I’ve had little to no sex drive for at least 5 years. It saddens me because once upon a time I was hungry for sex. HUNGRY!

Now when I know it’s time to take care of my home by doing “homework” I feel irritated and some times angry. Then I’m sad because after almost 20 years and 60+ lbs this man still wants me. He still desires all of this GOODT GOODT! Now don’t get me wrong I know my pussy is top notch. I get it poopin!

However my desire and longing is non-existent. Sad. Now I enjoy sex when I’m having even though I’m distracted and usually thinking about how much I should be enjoying this beautiful man.

I’m not a foreplay girl. I prefer a good hard fuck. I like it rough. Back back in the day if I didn’t leave sex with a few bruises my partner didn’t get another chance. I didn’t believe in a 2nd chance to get it right. AND I made no excuses. Simply told the truth and kept it moving. Then I met The Mister. This man got THREE chances but sex wasn’t about bruises as trophies and good memories. Our sex life has
dwindled but we go strong when we go.

He’s never been a rough sex shit talker. I’ve requested it but it’s just not in him when it comes to us. No choking no filthy words.

Even though sex feels like work I am grateful for the homework after all these years. I know it doesn’t happen for everyone.

It’s officially official

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There are people in my life I have had complicated relationships with, up and downs such is life.  For years there has been someone in my life I have continued to do the most for.  I have moved heaven and earth to make things happen in this relationship.  Always trying to go that extra mile, not always succeeding but doing the heavy lifting.

Yesterday something shifted for me.  I was once again on the receiving end of someone who claims to love me doing the least with no explanation and no alternatives.  I immediately went into doing the most…for about 4 seconds.  As I thought of offering fixes that would have me doing more than was necessary I just shook my head.  I didn’t even attempt to “make things work”

I have many issues that are residue from childhood.  I have allowed some people into my life who refused to make even an effort to put me first. For numerous years I have accepted that and continued to try and keep those people in my life.

No more.

I HAVE people in my life who have done the most for ME and I in return have tried to do the same.  I know those people see me as someone who is to be cherished and loved.  They do whatever they can when they can, with no excuses no apologies.

It’s officially official.  I’m done doing the most for those who are worth less than the least.

It feels good.  It feels right.  I am so very thankful for this growth and realization.