I knew a GREAT paying job was waiting on me after I finish my MPA
I could stay in this space in my journey to healing…forward motion can’t stay still
I could TRULY let go and let the Mister (you church folks should get that one)
my sex drive would bring it’s sorry ass back to me
I the mister could finish his career the way we planned
I could get SERIOUS about eating and fitness
I didn’t feel so lazy
my MPA was done
I could vacation in the islands
I was closer geographically to my sisterfriends
I could heal KC’s pain
I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up
The Mister and I have been together for almost 2 decades. We have ups and downs.
There has been infidelity and some heartache.
I’m keeping it real in this year of ME. 2014
Yesterday was a testament to the healing I have sought through seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist.
The mister and I had a professional function for his workplace yesterday. I had to sit across from the chick he was flirting with AND her NEW husband.
I had a INTENSE therapy session the day prior. I was stuck. Giving away my peace and joy. I worked through some things in that session that allowed me center myself. So as I smiled and had a good time. I found my peace and my joy.
I’m sure the mister and the bitch at the bottom of the sea (flirty chick) were clenched beyond comfort, but I had a sense of who I plan to be.
I am no one’s victim and this whole incident is a indication of things that were wrong in my life. I put in the work, it hurts and it’s slower than I would like. Work is being done regardless.
I have felt the loss of my joy and peace, I replaced it with anger and fear. This journey is marathon, but for the first time I feel I’m at mile 26.
I am afraid. It makes me feel weak. It makes me anxious. It makes me angry.
In 2014 I’m trying not to eat (literally and figuratively) those feelings. I’ve had a food addiction for most of my life. While food is not my friend, it’s not my enemy either. I’ve given it a place in my life that I felt comfortable with. I am no longer comfortable and little by little I plan to change me.
This is a huge year for me. Again with life changes. So many changes in my life in less than 5yrs.
I have addressed my PTSD for real, for the first time in a decade. A fucking decade! Wow. I’m good at that hide and not seek thing.
I have addressed The Mister and how I feel in this marriage for the first time for real in 17yrs! Yep I’m the hide and not seek gold medal winner.
Life is being turned upside down yet again and I’m a planner without a solid plan. That leaves me fearful.
Loss of income, health insurance and security. Things that I value in, but have no control over. Thank you Uncle Sugar (Uncle Sam).
In my mind I’m running to and fro screaming “the muthfuckin’ sky is fallin’ ya’ll don’t see it? Why you just standing around…run muthafuckas run!” I’ve learned to quiet that screaming with prayer and positive self talk AND forward motion. Running around like a crazy chicken is not going to change whatever is going to happen. I had to check my faith. I was so shaky in my faith I felt shame. So I prayed, not everyday. But I prayed when I heard that screaming, I was able to quiet it. Thank you Lord. Such a blessing.
I’m working on my MPA again fear. The fear that I am not smart enough, that no one will hire me and pay me for my talents (hell what are my talents). I keep working through that fear, because to ignore gives it fire and passion. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day closer.
Everyday I can tell myself…Be Not Afraid.
You came into my life so long ago, so many memories still vivid for me.
Never forgotten, always in my heart and soul.
When you ask me for forgiveness for broken hearts and deferred dreams after all this time I can speak my truth.
I have moved through hurt, sadness, and anger. I have moved through you and back to me, only to get to us again.
It’s our dance. A dance of love and friendship. A lifetime of full moons.
Even when I don’t want to love you, within my soul I know I do.
It’s our dance. A dance of acceptance of choices. A lifetime full of my love for you.
Thank you for your words from the heart. Thank you for knowing I only want your truth. Thank you for making me, making us matter. Thank you for feeding our souls.
I love how you hold me while we dance Sweets.
I have noticed lately that I’ve been feeling things I haven’t felt in some time. That tingly feeling you get when you want to get a little bit.
My sex drive left home a few years ago. I have prayed that it would come back and I would once again be a horny housewife. For the past few weeks I have had yearnings. I really didn’t give it much thought at first but when it began to hit me multiple times in a week I begin to get a little excited (pun intended).
I wanted sex. I wanted to touch and taste. I’ve been real gentle with these longing as I don’t want to scare it away.
I’m hoping it’s not just a visit, I’m hoping against hope it’s back to stay.
I talked to the youngest two today. It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed.
I told them that I love them far and wide. Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does. My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.
I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love. I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.
I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know. Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby boy was only 3yrs old. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms. This is how they know me. This is how they will remember me.
I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.
I often wish that The Mister was more expressive, open with his love for me. I understand that he “speaks” in the way that feels natural to him. I’ve tried to adjust to that, but for a lover of words and emotions it hard and at times I yearn for more.
Last night he played this song for me and held me as I cried in the kitchen, while we cooked dinner together. He even sang (which is not his gift!).
I was so full of love for this man. God sent him here for me and me for him. Even when it’s hard, it’s worth it. I have to remember that. Gonna keep praying. So blessed.