Doing that thing…

I’m trying to find my way back to The Mister, and find my way back to me.  

I find there have been times in the past that I’ve wanted to be close to him, to reach out to him, to be close to him.  When those feeling hit me, I would suppress them.  I have had a “thing” all of my life of being in fear of wanting someone who did not want me.  I know I have issues and I continue to work on them and work through them.

I have put up a good front for many years, the strong me.  The fearless me.  When the reality is I was quite the opposite in so many situations.  I didn’t want to smother him with my neediness.  I didn’t want to cling.  Avoiding those moments left me feeling a bit out of sorts and a LOT of lonely.

So in 2013 the year of ME, I’m trying to do the things that make me feel good.  I touch him, reach for his hand, sit next to him and try to love on him whenever the feeling hits me.

I’m simply trying to do that thing that makes me feel good.

Friday Wishes

I wish…

I could truly understand why I hang onto my anger

I could be the me I envision myself to be. Now.

We could decide on a summer vacay.

I could just let.go.

I had a job I LOVED.

The people in my life knew how much I love them.

I was strong enough to take the difference.

I still loved beyond all else.

I could stick to a budget. Grrr

I felt his love.

Asking a loaded question

When you ask a question you want to receive a honest answer. I believe The Mister asks questions and expects them to be answered in the way he would at any given moment.

When he asked me if I was happy I answered honestly. I’m not and I still struggle even a year later. He feels secure in this space, so he assumed erroneously, I do too.

There are times I am raging on the inside and I try to shelter his feelings. Then I’m even angrier because when he started flirting with his COWORKER neither one of those motherfuckers were concerned about me.

I told him today I don’t feel safe and I’m still not able to trust fully. I really thought I would be further along in my healing by now. Sadly this is not the case. I’m trying to figure out what I get out of staying angry. The way I see it, anger is my heart and souls way if TRYING to feel safe. It does not work but that’s all I got right now.

He looked defeated and sad after I told him my truth. I don’t want him to feel this way. Hey welcome to MY reality. You drove us here. I’m trying to help us get back on the road to healing

This shit hurts like stepping on Legos.

New way to do this

I’m going to start posting from phone. I’m doing it right now. I find myself wanting to write but when I get my laptop I’ve usually lost my thoughts. So there will probably be a learning curve with this app. Post will probably be more raw just cause I’m blogging on the spot.

Selective low self esteem

I am confident person.  I know at most things I am smart and I’m an out of box thinker, a nerd and I embrace those things about me.  I am PROUD of me.

Our counselor asked if I thought The Mister desired me…I said yes I thought he did, he disagreed with me.  He doesn’t think I believe he finds me desirable.  AND YA KNOW…he’s right.  

I don’t think he’s all that into me.  On some level I know that he loves me and for the most part I think it stops there.  I don’t feel he sees me.  At this point I’m too fearful to been seen. *sigh*

I still have no sex drive… none.  I know I have to have sex and I WANT to want to have sex, but I do it because it’s what he needs.  I’m not sure what I need at this point.  

It’s only with him that I feel so small.  How does that happen?  

Friday Wishes

I wish

talking to you didn’t feel like 2 steps back

the nothing I felt was like 2 steps forward

The Mister and I weren’t fighting

he didn’t hurt my feelings with his words

I was ready to visit my in-laws

my big sis could be happy living closer to me

I wasn’t fucking TERRIFIED I’m not good/smart enough for grad school

I could write the book I see and recite in my head

my inner dialogue was more positive and affirming

I didn’t FEEL so selfish

The Mister and I could really talk…like adults and shit

 

 

It’s all love

I’ve drank too much tonight.  Road trip tomorrow I have to stay sober this weekend.  It’s a birthday I can’t fuck up.  

I keep reading your writings and I want to reach out for my own selfish reasons, but I know you well enough to know you are trying so very hard to be a better you.  I have love for you so I stay in my lane.  Oh God I miss you so much.  I want to call or text.  Connect.  I want to laugh over the things that don’t matter all the while not talking about he things that do.  I miss you BL.  

I miss the way you put me in my place, the way you love me the only way you know how.  Free and unedited.  I feel stupid because I know I want to disrupt what could be real happiness for you, when I claim all I want is your happiness, but do I really?

ion know BL I just don’t know.  I keep my peace because to do anything else would be selfish and hurtful and ion want to be THAT chick.

It’s all love. Love